Out of the Shadowlands

Follow the Leader

2010-10-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what my boys will be like as teenagers. Yep, I like to worry about things at least a decade in the future. Though it’s many years away, it’s still on my mind. I was quite a moody and emotional teenager and had my moments of rebellion, but I never lost respect for my parents. I really want my kids to like me when they are teenagers. Is that too much to ask? The world is a different place nowadays, but I see families around me and know that it is possible. I also know that what’s happening right now in their lives will directly affect who they are in ten or twelve years.

I read a great parenting tip on Facebook recently, posted by a friend from high school. It talked about the importance of not only showing love and affection to your child, but also the importance of your child seeing you show love and affection towards others. Whether it’s your spouse, your own parents or the people you meet in stores and on the road, your child will see and do like you. It’s often easy to be loving toward your child, but what about the people in the store who might be frustrating you with their slowness – are you polite, kind and helpful? Are you respectful towards the elderly, gleaning from their wisdom, asking their advice? Do you want your child to seek your counsel when you are older?

This idea got me thinking about so many things. How do I respond to the sick, the weak, the less fortunate? How do I respond when I’m driving and someone makes a mistake? (Ouch!) What things am I doing that I really don’t want my child to do? If I want my child to love music, do I listen to lots of music or is the tv always on? Do I want my child to have a healthy lifestyle and yet they never see me enjoying exercise or eating right?

I’m not saying that you have to be perfect, in fact, I want my children to learn humility, integrity and honesty so it’s helpful for them to see me make mistakes, apologize and make amends. I want them to see me struggle with my issues and overcome them.

I also got to thinking about how focused I can be on my children, on their needs and what they want to do. I think it’s important that they see me have dreams of my own and take the time and energy to pursue those dreams.

We’re the strongest role model our kids will ever have. This is both exciting and terrifying to me. What an honor, what a responsibility. My oldest boy is three and a half and I’ve made so many mistakes already and yet we have our whole lives ahead and there is time to grow and get better. It’s truly humbling to have to say you’re sorry to a three year old, but it’s good for my soul. I haven’t made my last mistake by a long shot, but I hope next time I’ll be quicker to apologize and that I learn to do better and not make the same mistakes repeatedly!

Truly my children teach me more each day than I ever could have imagined.

Lessons from a Little Gardener

2010-05-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

I asked Jude today what was his favorite thing about gardening. His most favorite thing is watering. His second and third favorite things were raking and digging. I sort of had to remind him about the actual fruits (or, in our case, vegetables, of our labors). Then, of course, he listed the vegetables that he likes most from our garden.

It was interesting for me to hear his thoughts on gardening. I often get so focused on the end result of things, that I forget to enjoy the process. I think that’s something that we can learn from children. They are so “in the moment” and intent on the “doing” rather than what they are going to get out of. For Jude, gardening is worth it, just because he gets to go to the tap, fill up the watering can, carry it to the plant boxes and water them everyday. To me, that’s just another chore to be done so that eventually we’ll have some flowers to look at and vegetables to eat from the garden.

How many times in my life do I rush through the process trying to achieve a result and miss out on the moments that the process gives to me? Whether it’s physical exercise, preparing a meal, teaching my children or going on a journey, too often I rush through the things that I have to do in order to get the desired result as quickly as possible without realizing what a gift the journey is. Feeling my body growing strong with each step, the air moving in and out of my lungs. Seeing the textures and colors come together in a meal, smelling the aromas. Seeing Jude’s eyes light up as he learns a new concept or even when he starts goofing off and making himself giggle. Taking time to look around rather than getting somewhere as quickly as I can.

So from a simple conversation with Jude, he’s taught me that I need to slow down and enjoy the process. Sure we can celebrate the harvest of the garden, the beauty of the flowers, but we can also enjoy the rush of water into a can, the cool drops hitting our feet in the hot sun and the simple joy of pouring water into dirt. Thanks Jude!

Mommy, Look At Me

2010-05-05T20:38:00.000-07:00

So we went to the park the other day and I sat with Zane while he napped. Jude and Colin ran around on all the play equipment. Colin was pushing Jude on the swing, going higher and faster. Jude looked at me and said, “Look at me, Mommy!”

He’s saying that a lot more lately, but in that moment, when he was swinging and he so desperately wanted me to look at what he was doing, it really hit me.

There’s a lot wrapped up in that statement from a child to a parent. When Jude asks me to look at him, at what he’s doing, he’s making a statement about my importance in his life. He wants my validation for his activities, for who he is. He also wants to make sure that I approve, that I think he’s going to be safe and ok. He wants me to join him in that moment so that we can share it together. We can remember those times together.

He also saying that he’s growing more independent and doesn't need me in the same ways that he used to. When he’s climbed to the top of a play structure by himself and stands there a bit shaky, but so proud and yells, “Look at me, Mommy!”, he’s saying that he’s taking more chances and doing things without me. I know that will happen more and more, but for now, he still wants to include me in that adventure, even if it’s from a distance. I may want to run over and rescue him, to keep him safe, but it’s my job to smile and say, “I see you and I am so excited for your adventure!”

It’s not just a child’s nature to share our triumph’s and adventures. When I’ve achieved something - made a great meal, told a good joke, conquered a fear - I want to share that with someone. I want to yell, “Look at me!” Maybe that’s why I like Facebook and Twitter so much. It’s also why I call my Mom, my Dad, my Sister, my Colin when something cool happens - I want to share that moment. That’s how we are created. We are made to share life with others - our triumphs & tragedies.

So smile & wave when they say, “Look at me, Mommy!” and don’t forget to say “Look at me!” sometimes too!

January 12, 2010

2010-01-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

Luke 12

“What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving…Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provision…Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very Kingdom itself.”

I’m a worrier, a fretter, I tend to get wrapped up in the details and can miss the big picture. I like to be in control, planning and plotting my own way. All the while worrying that I’m missing something. I actually live with a lot of fear. In my life, I’ve believed great things, I’ve had faith for God’s provision and yet I seem to lack the faith that He truly loves me and wants the best for me. I feel like I let God down in so many ways – I disappoint myself, therefore, I must disappoint Him daily.

Hearing about my Dad’s journey recently has inspired and challenged me. His assurance of God’s love for him makes me want to follow him on the path he’s been on. So I’ll be taking some steps that way.
In the meantime, I choose to believe that I am one of Jesus’ dear friends and that He wants the best for me.

I’ll be looking for some God-reality, God-initiative, God-provision to steep myself in.

January 7, 2010

2010-01-12T14:15:00.000-08:00

Ephesians 5

"Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her…"

This passage is written to husbands, but I am so challenged by it. Sometimes I get so frustrated with Colin, I get defensive, I’m condescending. I get upset when he doesn’t do or say things that I want him to. My love has become very selfish and self-serving, I’m looking for what I can get and not what I can give.

True love builds, it doesn’t tear down. True love looks for the best, not for reasons to complain. It’s amazing to think that my love for Colin, for my boys, for others can actually help to make them whole, to display their beauty.

I want to love more. I want to love more purely. I want to love more selflessly.

January 6, 2010

2010-01-12T14:13:00.000-08:00

Luke 6
This chapter is so rich, so full. I want to eat it, digest it. I want it to become part of me.

“You're blessed when you've lost it all.
God's kingdom is there for the finding.

You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry.
Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.

You're blessed when the tears flow freely.
Joy comes with the morning.”

I feel like this is where I’m at. I’m empty, I’m dry, I’m lost, I’m hungry. I’m ready to be filled, quenched, found and I’m ready for the Messianic Meal.

“But it's trouble ahead if you think you have it made.
What you have is all you'll ever get.

And it's trouble ahead if you're satisfied with yourself.
Your self will not satisfy you for long.

And it's trouble ahead if you think life's all fun and games.
There's suffering to be met, and you're going to meet it.”

I’ve rested on my laurels for too long. My family faith, my Christian experiences (missions, church career, leadership positions, Biblical knowledge, Christian school.) Those things aren’t wrong or wasted, but they aren’t fresh and vital. They are meaningless though without true relationship with my Saviour. So where do I go from here? I’m weary of formulas. What do I know? I know that I need to be in the Word of God. It’s how He communicates primarily. His Word is rich and fresh and challenging. I’m going to write my thoughts and share them with others in honesty and vulnerability. I’m going to read books that challenge and heal. I’m going to love in practical ways. I’m going to speak to God. I’m going to listen for his voice.

I’ve been a Christian for more than 30 years, I come from an amazing, faith-filled family, I’ve served God and His church for many years and in many ways. I’ve experienced seasons fo incredible passion and vitality in my relationship with God. All these things are part of the fabric of my life, but they are not enough to sustain me now. After years of faith and service, I feel like it’s time to find God again, to come like a child, to love and be loved.

Living With Intent - January 2010

2010-01-06T20:50:00.001-08:00

People are pretty divided on the whole issue of New Year’s Resolutions. Strong opinions on both sides. Some people think that they are a great idea, an opportunity to make changes, set goals, make a fresh start. Other people think that they are a waste of time or that goals can be set and changes made at any time.
I do know that it’s easy to make resolutions and set new goals, but it’s not always east to stick with them. They seem like such a great idea at the end of the year, but on January 1st, they just seem like hard work.
Whatever time of year you choose, it’s good to take stock, evaluate and look ahead. It can even be good to do this more than once a year.

My parents have made a practice of this for many years and call it a mini retreat. My husband and I love to take the time together to look at our lives.

It is important to look back at where you’ve been, the good, the bad and the ugly. What can you learn about yourself, your habits, behavior patterns, what has brought you joy and what has caused you pain?

It’s important to look at where you are now. What’s working well? What isn’t?
And then there is the future. The wide-open, unknown future. What are your hopes and dreams? Are there habits that need to be broken or formed?

It’s great to take the time to ask yourself these questions as an individual and as a family. Life gets so busy, so loud, so cluttered that if we don’t get intentional and purposeful about life, it will sweep us along in a flood of circumstances and the everyday bustle of life.

I’ve been inspired recently by women that I know who are going back to school, who are taking charge of their health, who are branching out creatively, all the while still caring for their families.

It’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and to think that we’ll never find the time. However, a wise man once told me that people find the time to do what they want to do. What do you want to do? It may be something as small and practical as doing some painting or cooking from a recipe once a week. It might be going back to school or saving money to go on a missions trip.

Whatever it is, I encourage you to take a look at your life, to dream, to plan and to live intentionally.

In The Moment and Thankful - November 2009

2010-01-06T20:49:00.000-08:00

In the Moment

I was talking to my Dad recently about some things that he is thinking about and exploring. He is the wisest man that I know. I hope that when I am 66 I will still be seeking and learning like he is. Anyway, he was talking about learning to be in the moment. He said that he has to stop himself regularly and make himself be in a moment, not in the past, not in the future.

This is a concept that sounds wonderful to me, but pretty darn tough in practice. I spend a tremendous amount of time wishing I could change the past and day dreaming about the future. As a woman, I’m almost always multi-tasking as well. I’ve always got something in mind that I need to be doing or planning or finding. (I have a list in my “notebook” of things that I’ve lost and that I’m always looking for, sad, I know.)

But I want to be IN the moments of my life. I want to be present in the moment when Jude tells me that Jesus loves me. I want to be present in the moment when Zane laughs with abandon as only a baby can do. I want to be present in the moment when Colin is talking to me about his hopes and dreams. I also want to be present in my own moments, when it’s just me, whether I’m reading a book or listening to music or creating something, I want to experience it and not be worried about a To Do List or wishing I had a bigger house or regretting a choice that I made earlier.

I’ve got a long way to go, I know. But I’ll take the small steps and each one will be a victory for me.

Thankful
I love Thanksgiving for so many reasons. Family is the biggest reason. Every year we get together and celebrate each other and the many blessings in our lives.

One of our traditions is that we pick a country or region each year and make our Thanksgiving meal in that style. We’ve done Jamaica, Cajun, Southern, Mexican, Italian to name a few. This year we are doing a French theme - yummy! Oui, oui!
I always look forward to the reminder that Thanksgiving is of all we have to be thankful for - as a nation and as individuals. I want to be an example of gratefulness to my children.

I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving and encourage you to stay thankful all year long and to express your love to those that you are grateful for!

Kids Say (and do) the Darndest Things - October 2009

2010-01-06T20:47:00.000-08:00

Jude just hauled the giant copy of "What to Expect the Toddler Years" downstairs & presented it to me. Is he warning me about something?

This was one of my Tweets/Facebook status updates a couple of days ago.
When Jude was younger, he did lots of cute and amazing things. Now that he’s more mobile and communicative, he does and says some really funny things. I love it and I never want to forget these moments. I know I will forget though, unless I make the effort to record the memories. I also want lots of great stories to share with the boy’s girlfriends in a few years!

I struggled for a while with recording though - it seemed to never happen! I always intended to write it down, but the moment would pass and I would forget.
Then I got into Facebook and then Twitter. I loved being able to share these family moments with my friends and family. The cute, funny, scary and outrageous things that my kids do.

I was actually trying to remember a particular situation and couldn’t recall the details, but I remembered that I “Tweeted” it. So I was looking back through the Tweets and found what I was looking for. In the process, I realized that I had an amazing record of many of our precious family moments.

I decided then, that I would go back to when I began on Facebook in September of 2007and embark on the tedious task of cutting and pasting all those status updates into a Word document. It took a bit of time, but I eventually got it done. I called the document “Family Moments” and I keep it handy on my computer these days. About once a week I go and copy all my status updates into this document. I sometimes add other things that don’t go on Facebook or I’ll expand on something that I briefly updated on Facebook.

I also love to see the updates of my friends and family around the world. I laugh, empathize and sympathize. It’s also great to read the comments on my own updates. I feel like I am sharing this journey with other Moms and families. And it’s not just the cute and funny moments, it’s the struggles and the fears. Having children is an overwhelming thing and it’s so good to know that we aren’t alone in our doubts, our frustrations and fears.

Whether you Tweet, blog, Facebook, keep a journal or scribble those family moments on scraps of paper - keep it up. Tell those cute stories to friends and family, tell them to me, I love to hear family stories, mom stories, kid stories! The moments pass quickly and will be forgotten if we don’t record them. If we record them, we can share them for years to come.

If you aren’t recording your family moments or sharing your family moments, I would encourage you to do so. Figure out what works best for you and just do it! You won’t ever regret it.

I leave you with this gem that I Tweeted in May of this year: “Jude just came over to me and stood there - I asked what he wanted and he said “hugs” - happy me!

Are You Falling for Fall? September 2009

2010-01-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Westside MOPS! We’re so glad that you are with us this year. We’ve got some exciting plans in store and look forward to sharing life together.

Can you believe that it’s September already? I love September, Fall is arriving. To me, Fall is as much about new beginnings as January or Spring. There’s excitement in the air, anticipation. I love it!

That being said, Summer was an interesting time for me this year. I gave birth to my second son, Zane. Nothing like a having baby around to get you thinking about new beginnings. While I am awake at 4 o’clock in the morning, I’m not always thinking happy new beginning thoughts, but when my sleep deprived fog clears at times, I think about new life and the future.

I didn’t have a terribly easy pregnancy, not as bad as many, but it was tough. I was sick pretty much from start to finish and I feel like I let things slide during that time. Jude watched a lot of “Baby Einstein”. That’s another reason I’m looking forward to this Fall season, it’s a chance to get back on track and to blaze new trails.

I’ve been thinking about the kind of people I hope my boys grow up to be. I’ve been thinking about the kind of memories that I hope they have when they are my age. While I don’t think that we can orchestrate every aspect of our lives, nor can we manufacture memories, we can set the stage, we can make space to create life, rather than just having life happen to us.

For me that has meant creating a schedule of sorts for our family. Setting aside time to exercise together, to be creative, to play, as well as the not so fun, but just as necessary things like chores. It’s too easy for me to just drift and not take the time to enjoy what life together means. I get caught up in tv, making sure we watch our Netflix dvds, and just “coping”. I want to be more deliberate in my life.

So that’s what’s been on my mind lately. I’m looking forward to this new season - both naturally and metaphorically. How about you? Are you excited about what’s ahead? Have you made time and space in your life to explore, to create, to experience? If life is happening too fast, how can you and your family put the brakes on a little and slow down?

Let me know your creative ideas for carving out time with family and what you do with that time. I’m always open to new ideas!

Catching up

2010-01-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

I've gotten behind on adding my MOPS newsletter articles to my blog. So here's a catch up as well as some new stuff.

Making Memories

2009-05-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

I love to talk about memories. I often wonder if I really remember events from my childhood, or if we’ve just talked about them so much that I am remembering the tale and not the original happening. Of course, I don’t really care, I still have the memory.

When I look back on my childhood, it was good. As an adult, I hear about some of the circumstances that our family faced, and while I had some knowledge of those circumstances as a child, I didn’t always know how dire things were at times.

When I look back, I don’t remember the financial struggles for the most part. I remember the rides around town with Mom and Dad in the front of the truck, Stephanie, me and Bo the Wonder Dog in the back of the truck with a Big Gulp for the front and one for the back. I remember eating entire meals out of the garden, thinking it was adventurous, not realizing it was because money was short. We didn’t go on vacations to resorts and theme parks, but we did go camping and went on missions trips. I remember hours spent in the yard on amazing adventures to fantastic places, riding my horse (a saw horse with saddle and reins).

Now I look around at all that I have to offer to my sons and I hope that I don’t give them so much that their only memories consist of toys and ready made activities. I hope we can create memories together in every circumstance and stage of life that will continue to give them joy when they are my age. I hope that I can give them enough freedom from “stuff” that they can create their own adventures.

I don’t think it’s wrong to give your children good things or to go on trips and I know that I want to always be able to provide for them. But whatever circumstances we are facing - whether we have little or plenty, I want to make lifelong memories for my children that they will treasure.

Have you told your own children stories about your childhood? Have you told them your treasured memories? I think it’s a good thing to tell those stories often so that we will remember them and they won’t be lost. Write them down, record them, celebrate them. Thank those that helped you to make those memories.

Some of you don’t have many good memories from your childhood. How can you make sure that your kids do?

Summer is upon us soon (hopefully). Take time this summer to create memories with your children. Establish some fun traditions. Do something that you loved to do as a child and introduce your child to something new. Tell your stories to friends and family. Read a favorite book from your childhood. Relax. Help your children find ways to explore their world and venture into the worlds of their imaginations.

Remember.

Am I Thankful? - March 2009

2009-03-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

Life is tough. It’s always a mix of highs and lows and plateaus, but for many, right now, life is just tough. There are the reasons that life is tough. Some people just bring it on themselves, we know these people. For others, circumstances, timing, and the world itself seem to have conspired against them in a storm of pain and uncertainty.

Right now, the economy is wrecking havoc on many of those around us and even on our own families. I look at many of my friends and family and see the fear and uncertainty that they are facing right now and my heart breaks for them.

At the same time, I see many of these same people reach out in need and I see relationships grow deeper and stronger. I see people lean on God with renewed faith. I see other people giving out of their own need to those who are in deeper need. I see proud people humbled in a good way. I hope that I see generosity in me and my family.

I also want to remember that right now, even in tough financial times, I am blessed beyond belief. March 11 is Global Food Crisis Day. As I write this, I’ve just fed my son a warm meal (and thrown some of the leftovers away), he’s asleep in his own warm bed and I have no fear that I won’t be able to feed him for as long as he needs to be fed by me. At the same time, around the world and in our own community, mothers are weeping because they can’t provide basic needs for their children.
This economic crisis has certainly been a social-leveling in many ways. People who thought they had no financial worries are suddenly facing serious thoughts about providing for themselves and their families.

I am a pessimist and a worrier by nature, and yet I am also a woman of faith - I’ve seen God provide for me and my family in many seemingly hopeless situations.

Yet, it’s so easy to fall into an attitude of complacency and entitlement. I lose my ability to have some of my “wants” met and suddenly life is not fair and God is mean. I look around my home filled with “stuff”. Some of it is great and worthwhile, some of it is just fluff. I’ve got books to read to my son, he’s got so many toys to play with, I’m connected to the world in so many ways and still I crave what someone else has or something sold to me by media moguls that will change my life and I’ll look younger, be thinner, richer and of course, happier.

I don’t want to get all preachy on you. If I do, know that I’m preaching to myself too. I’m sitting here, feeling my second son wiggle around in my belly and I wonder what challenges he and his brother will face because of my generation’s greed. Will he grow up thankful or will he always be wanting more and more and more, even as he struggles to pay for previous generation’s mistakes.

I’ve been thinking about preparing for this new little fellow that’s joining us here in the real world in a few months. I want to whine and complain that our house is too small, but what I really need to do is look at all my junk and think about what I can get rid of to make space for the life that is coming. I want to give my kids lots of good things, fun things, but I also want to teach them to appreciate all that they have. Looking back on my life, growing up, we went through some terrifically tough financial times as a family, but I don’t remember those facts with any emotion. What I do remember of those times is fun and joy and love and peace - even if we couldn’t afford for me to have Moon Boots!

No matter what you’re facing right now, and I know some of you are in desperate times, remember to be thankful. Your children don’t need the latest and greatest everything to be happy, they need you, they need fun family times. They need faith in a God who is bigger than every circumstance.

For a while, I had a blog that was nothing more than writing something that I was thankful for everyday. I let that go, maybe it’s time to take it up again. I want to remember everyday all that I have to be grateful for.

Today I’m thankful for you, for a group of women who come together to support and encourage each other. Thanks!

Valentine's Day Article - February 2009

2009-03-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

In just over a month, I will have been married for ten years. How is that even possible? Time flies sometimes, at other times it crawls. I love being married. I love my husband. I’m glad we found each other half way around the world from our own countries. We’ve been through a lot together. Less than some, truth be told, but it’s all relative.

Colin and I are best friends. We know each other so well - we have our own language, we have a shared history of experiences, jokes, music and ministry. Sometimes I think we know each other too well. We are so incredibly comfortable with each other. We definitely have to work at the whole “spark” thing. We can get caught up in the day to day stuff - jobs, kids, house and lose sight of each other, the reasons we got into this together.

I had some pretty high expectations when I got married, so did Colin. We’ve exceeded some of those expectations and we’ve also disappointed each other. It’s not always been a smooth road, there have been fights, tears, ultimatums and cruel words said in anger.

But you know what, we’re still together and we’re going to stay together. Some things have been non-negotiables. We are completely committed to each other - we’re in this for the long haul. My parents always said that if you’re going to stay with someone, why be miserable - be nice to each other and work at it.

We are also determined to communicate with each other. This isn’t always easy - Colin does his best communicating when we’ve gone to bed, I do my best sleeping when we’ve gone to bed! So there have been long nights, but we’ve always said what’s on our minds and hearts eventually and it’s always good - our relationship always deepens when we’ve talked through an “issue”.

Now, I don’t want you to think that it’s all drama and “working through the issues”. We love each other deeply and ”shallowly” (if you know what I mean). I’m thrilled that I get to share my life with this amazing, smart, talented, fun man. He’s an amazing Dad to my son - that’s thrilled me so much.

I’m looking forward to the excuse that Valentine’s Day gives me to tell him all these things that I’ve already shared with you. Not with expensive gifts, but with the words of my heart.

How are you going to show your appreciation to those you love on Valentine's Day?

Catching Up

2009-03-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have several articles that I've written for the Westside MOPS newsletter and I thought I would post them as entries here on my blog.

Outline of Jude

2009-02-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

My friend Teri, who is my parent's assistant, was retyping some Bible book outlines and came across the book of Jude. She was feeling inspired and rewrote the outline to go along with our Jude. I love it!

Jude

1. Titles

Jude the Dude
Jud-ee
Hey Jude

2. Author

A. God
B. Colin and Melissa

3. Date

A. He’s not allowed to, yet

4. Key Words

A. Nama (Grandma)
B. Papa (Grandpa)
C. Deddie (Jesse)
D. Elephant imitations

5. Key Verse

A. “Give me this day…” whatever I want whenever I want it
B. Jesus loves me

6. Purpose

A. Eat, sleep, play – in any order I feel like
B. Learn by pushing the limits, but smile as I do it
C. Bring joy to my family

7. Message

A. I love Jesus
B. I love my family
C. I love anyone who will be nice to me, especially if they have candy

8. Outline

A. About two feet tall with all extremities
B. Huge cuteness quota

9. Summary

A. So far, so good. Can’t wait for my new baby.

10. Pictures of Christ

A. They mostly look like scribbles, but it’s definitely Jesus, unless I’m drawing squirrels or cats.

Love it, love it, love it!

Pondering

2008-12-11T13:13:00.000-08:00

I know that we say every year that the beast that is retail starts us towards the Christmas season earlier and earlier. This year, though, it seems like I really noticed it. I was so excited about Christmas early this year. However, it seems like it's seeped away a bit. We've had a lot going on with our family so I suppose that might explain it. It was bad enough that I almost decided not to put my tree up or decorate - that's extreme. However, I did it anyway and I'm so glad.

Now I'm trying to get back into the spirit of things. I'm getting there. I think it would help if it snowed!

Anyway, I've got lots on my mind - thoughts swirling and whirling - I want to write more, but don't feel able to at the moment. So strange.

Hopefully I'll write more soon.

14 Days till Christmas!

Walk and Talk

2008-11-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

Well, so many Facebook friends have been doing this that I had to give it a try. It was way fun and I highly recommend it. I particularly like Question #24.

1. Set your Ipod on Shuffle

2. As you read each question advance your ipod and fill in the song title to the answer

1. If someone says to you, " Is this okay"

a. Tomorrow

2. What would best describe your personality?

a. Some Might Say

3. What do you like in a boy

a. London

4. How do you feel today?

a. Only One

5. What is your Life Purpose?

a. Erosion

6. What is your motto?

a. I Want to Hold Your Hand

7. What do your friends think of you?

a. Other Emcees

8. What do you think about quite often?

a. Digging for Gold

9. What is 2+2?

a. I Wait for the Lord

10. What do you think of your best friend?

a. Pioneer

11. What do you think of the person you like?

a. Twisted

12. What is your life story?

a. I Can’t Wait to get to Heaven

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?

a. Infidel

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?

a. To Tell Them

15. What do your parents think of you?

a. Send and Transmit

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?

a. Blue Eyes

17. What will you play at your funeral?

a. Down Under

18.What is your hobby/interest?

a. The Economy of Mercy

19. What is your biggest secret?

a. Jesus, I Lift My Eyes

20. What do you think of your friends?

a. Friend of God

21. What is the worst thing that could happen?

a. Ride the Dragon

22.How will you Die?

a. Now and Forever

23. What is the one thing you regret?

a. Blind

24. What makes you laugh?

a. The Way I Was Made

25.What makes you cry?

a. The Saddest Song I’ve Got

26. Will you ever get married?

a. Fields of Gold

27.What scares you the most?

a. Green Onions

28. Does anyone like you?

a. Devil in the Wishing Well

29. If you could go back in time, what would you change?

a. Where Do I Go From Here?

30. What hurts right now?

a. The Best Thing

31. What will you post this as?

a. Walk and Talk

Like I said I do like London boys!

Ever Wondered What Your Elvish Name Is?

2008-11-19T15:39:00.001-08:00

Me neither. But then I came across a site that told me and it made me happy so I thought I would share.

If you are a boy, check it here Elvish Boys

If you are a girl, check it here Elvish Girls

So here's mine:
Nieriel or Nioniel (Nee-air-ee-ell; Nee-onn-ee-ell)

And Colin's:
Sellion (Sell-ee-on)

And Jude's:
Eglerion (Eh-glare-ee-on)

That's my tidbit for the day...
Sincerely,
Nieriel

OK, I love this song.

2008-11-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

Colin doesn't like it too much, but Jude and I love it. Steve Songs has a great cd called Marvelous. I highly recommend it. Hmmm, have my musical tastes changed a bit? Or just broadened?

Jim Stephens' Blog: God Bless America!

2008-11-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Whatever your political views, I believe this is a huge step for our country. I love my Dad's perspective on it - see the link below. God please bless America.

Jim Stephens' Blog: God Bless America!

Autumn

2008-10-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

So do you say Fall or Autumn? I use both actually, but I love the word Autumn more. I adore this time of year. It's my favourite, though there are things I love about each season. I lived on a tropical island for over four years so I have a real appreciation for seasons.

I thought I would just share some of the things that I love about Autumn. This isn't an exhaustive list by any means.

* The temperature drops. I'm not a huge fan of hot weather so I like it when it cools down. I like being outside in the Fall, I like warmer clothes, I love boots and hats and scarves.
It's just so darn beautiful. The colours! The trees.
* Crunchy leaves all around.
* Culinary delights. Pumpkins, squash, hearty stews and soups, the thought of Thanksgiving dinner not too far away, hot drinks, mulled wine and cider, caramel apples. So many good things come out to be eaten in the Fall!
* Playing in the leaves.
* Getting the house ready for winter - cleaning the heaters and turning them on, getting the hoses put away, putting in the vent plugs, harvesting the last of the garden produce and preparing it for winter.
* Wrapping up in a blanket with a hot drink and reading for an hour (who am I kidding, 20 minutes!)
* Cool nights, getting into bed and feeling the crisp, cold sheets begin to warm up, snuggling down under the covers.
* Did I mention boots? I love boots!

Disappointment

2008-10-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever disappointed you in a profound way? Have you ever disappointed someone deeply?

I know that I disappoint myself quite regularly - in big ways and small ways. My latest disappointment to myself is using my last, albeit, incredibly rough bout of sickness as an excuse to go off my eating and exercise plan. I think I am allowed a bit of lenience but I have let it go on too long. I love eating right and exercising, when I'm doing it. I don't like giving up my seeming pleasures and laziness, but once I do, I love it. So I am disappointed in myself, but ready to get going again.

I'm also quite disappointed in someone that I know. It's hard to know how much to say in such a public forum, but I find it incredibly hard to respect this person anymore. They are still speaking in high and lofty terms which, to me, are at odds to they way they have chosen to behave and the pain and hurt they have caused.

Knowing how much I disappoint myself, God and others, I don't want to judge this person. But, honestly, I do. I deep down do. I'm actually so judgemental I amaze myself and not in a good way. I wish I wasn't. I will work on not being this way.

It's funny because when I was growing up, I was so black and white about everything. There was a right and a wrong and I was on the side of right. I was fierce. As I've gotten older, I have become more tolerant. There is much more grey in my world these days. At one time I would have considered that a weakness, because I considered grey a sign of compromise. Nowadays, I tend to judge those who are staunch and inflexible more, those "black and white" kind of people. I think I've learned a lot about grace, I hope I've learned a lot more about God. Still, that judgemental side seems to rise up in me, and I climb up on my high horse and ride off again.

Anyway, back to this mystery person. I don't have to see them everyday, or deal with them much at all. That helps. I know, however, that I need to release them, despite the fact that they may not change, and that they may continue to lie and hurt others. I long to be released myself, from all my sins and shortcomings. Isn't that what we all long for? Grace. I want it desperately, help me to give it freely as well.

It's All Yours

2008-10-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, I'm not a big fan of Steven Curtis Chapman. Nothing against him, just haven't ever been into him. My friend, Chris, wrote on my Facebook and said she had been listening to a SCC song that talked about London and Uganda and she thought of me. London and Uganda? Of course, I was curious so I asked her about it and found out what song it is. It's called "Yours". It talks about 2 of my favourite places on this planet in ways that resound with me. My heart yearns for good things for the people of London and Uganda. Anyway, the song is long, but good. He's recently rewritten and recorded a new version that includes a verse that references the recent death of his daughter. That's not the version I've included here, though it's really good.

Here it is.

37 Things

2008-10-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

I had my 37th birthday a couple of weeks ago. Following Katie and Bo's example, I've decided to list my 37 favourite things as of this moment (in no particular order).

September (sadly it's passed for another year) It's the beginning of Autumn, my favourite season and it's also the month that gave me Colin Blackett, but that's a story for another number.
Colin Blackett - my best friend, my son's amazing father and a wonderful husband (also born in September).
London, England - it's hard to describe, but it's probably my true home, my heart's home.
Jude Lewis Blackett - my joy, my challenge, my greatest achievement though I feel I've had little to do with how wonderful he is. He's funny, he's clever, he's a great teacher.
Water - in all its many wonderful forms - oceans, rivers, lakes, rain, snow, ice, in a tall cold glass, dew...
Science Fiction - love it, it's taken me places that my feet can never go.
Jim Stephens - my Dad. Amazingly wise, incredibly up to date on just about everything, well-read, the best teacher ever, a wonderful writer and open-minded. I hope I grow up to be like him.
Jean Stephens - my Mom. Incredibly faithful, brave, badger-like loyalty (you don't want to mess with her family!), wise, an amazing teacher, and, of course, the best Grandma ever. I hope I grow up to be like her.
Magazines - I love magazines, I'm taking a year or so off of new subscriptions, but I do love them. Fashion magazines - In Style and Vogue are favs, Real Simple, Parenting Mags, Paste Music, Relevant, Layers...read on.
Stephanie Smith - my sister, my best friend. We're shared so much over the years including all the usually sibling fights, but we're still friends. She is so incredibly generous, sensitive, strong, creative, talented and she's also a great wife and mom. I hope I grow up to be like her. She's also got a super husband, Philip and a wonderful son, Jesse.
New Zealand. I love NZ first and foremost because it brought me Colin. However, it's also breathtakingly beautiful, rugged, fun, friendly. They didn't have to do much to make it look like Middle Earth and Narnia, I think heaven will look a lot like New Zealand.
Books - nuf said.
Wood floors.
Art galleries.
Purses. I love them in all their shapes and sizes, but unfortunately I don't last too long without a big bag. I am, however, on a seemingly never-ending search for the perfect handbag.
Guinness.
English cider.
English pubs.
Youth with a Mission. It certainly has its faults, but it's good at it's heart and I love it and am thankful for it.
Our small group - also known as the Game and Fun group.
PBS Kids.
The library.
Bob Ross
Sign Language for kids.
God. Faithful. I'm often not faithful, but He always is.
Netflix.
Thanksgiving Dinner - I love traditional Thanksgiving Dinner, but our family always mixes it up by choosing a different international flavor for each year.
Digital cameras.
The internet.
Spark People. It's helping me get healthy again.
My garden.
Faraway friends. I don't love that they are faraway, but I love them.
Hope. I'd be lost without it.
Shoes.
Facebook.
Reading to Jude.
Listening to Colin play with Jude.

Jim Stephens' Blog: Trust and Obey

2008-09-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

Jim Stephens' Blog: Trust and Obey

Finding the Me in Mothering

2008-09-17T19:10:00.001-07:00

This is an article I wrote for our most recent MOPS Newsletter...

Hi, my name is Melissa, I’m Jude’s Mom, oh and I used to be so much more!

When I got married, the plan was that we weren’t going to have children. I was happy with that decision for years, 7 years in fact. We changed our minds and Jude was born a couple months after our 8 year anniversary.

In the time “pre-Jude” we did a lot. We lived in 3 different countries, travelled quite a lot, did some missions work and then we settled down here in Oregon, and I embarked on a career in the church. I had an amazing time, I was daily challenged, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and as a leader. I had quite a bit of responsibility and I loved it, though at times it was exhausting. When I got pregnant, my initial thought was that I would return to work. I took six weeks off after Jude was born and then went back to work (way too soon!). By twelve weeks I had resigned, jumped off the career path, let go of my work responsibilities and took on a whole new and unexpected role.

I love being a Mom, I never knew I would love it so much. It challenges me daily, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and as a leader. However, some days, it just feels like monotony, eat, sleep, change dirty diapers, worry about Jude, play games with Jude, sing silly songs to Jude. Gone is the daily interaction with other adults, brainstorming ideas, making things happen. Many days it’s just me and Jude. It’s taken me a while to realize that I’m still the same person I was before I became Jude’s mom. I’m learning to express my creativity in different ways and to understand that my role as a leader has never been more important.

There are days when I still get a bit nostalgic for the “good old days”, when I long for an adult-sized challenge or a conversation about anything besides kids, but more and more I am realizing that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I love. And if I happen to meet you for the first time, I’ll say, “Hi, my name is Melissa, I’m Jude’s Mom.

Words Fail Me

2008-09-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Randall for alerting us to the presence of this fine piece of art...

8 Hours a Night?!?!

2008-09-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

We all know that as parents, you enter a new season of life (I have no idea how long it lasts) where you get less sleep than the average person. The first few months were rough - we were enjoying being parents, but we were beyond exhausted. It was like that feeling when you've been travelling for a long time in a single journey, you've had 3 flights already and you're in the airport waiting for your last flight with a 2 hour lay over. That got better though and we got into more of a routine and eventually Jude was sleeping through the night more than he was not. There were still occasional nights when he would wake up, but it wasn't too bad.

The last couple of weeks, Jude has been waking up 2-5 times a night. He's not really crying, just whimpering and whining. Sometimes it last 10 minutes, sometimes an hour. Sometimes it escalates to full on crying which means going in to comfort him back to sleep, never knowing if he'll stay asleep for the rest of the night or if he's just getting some rest for his next act.

I'm realising how important sleep is. Good, uninterrupted, deep sleep. During the day I am worn out, I am not feeling inspired or creative. I have lots to do and I get most of it (ok, some of it) done, but there sure ain't no spring in my step. We long for the night and yet dread going to sleep, wondering how long till we are awoken.

I know we don't have it too bad, we just got used to things the way they were. It's a bit stressful too, hoping that he's ok, that we are doing the right things.

All that to say, treasure your sleep, get it when you can, rejoice in the energy and strength it brings. Pray for Jude that he'll start sleeping through the night again!

This is How a Garden Grows

2008-08-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

With the help of our wonderful friends, Matt and Tori, my dream of having a vegetable garden came to pass this year. I have what might be referred to as a "black thumb" - the thumb of death for all things green. Mostly this isn't a problem, we have a "natural" yard - not many plants or trees to take care of. I have some cacti that have mostly survived my ministrations or lack there of. I'm actually having a go with a jade plant right now - wish it luck!

So the garden idea was a leap of faith for me in many ways. When I was growing up in the States, my parents faithfully planted gardens and we regularly enjoyed the fruits of their labour (pun intended). In my memory, my contribution included weeding for an hour every Saturday, but my parents deny this vehemently. When we lived in Jamaica, we had fruit trees that grew on the property we lived on - oranges, ackee, rose apples, star fruit, guava - it was amazing.

So despite my failings as a horticulturalist, I wanted to have a garden of my own. Our friends helped us build some raised beds, fill them with beautiful, rich soil and also helped us out with seeds. I planted the seeds and the starts and I can honestly say that I had so little faith that they would actually grow. It seemed impossible that those little seeds could become anything under my care, but I faithfully watered the garden everyday without paying too much attention to what was going on. I was shocked when a couple of weeks later, green things started to poke their heads through the soil. Pretty soon there was a plethora of green with a little purple thrown in as my beets started to grow too. Nothing compared to the thrill of going out and finding lettuce ready to harvest and eat, sweet peas fat and juicy. Soon we'll be feasting on carrots, zucchini, beets. Yum! I'm already thinking about what I'll do differently next year, what I'll plant - I have faith now that I can do it!

There is nothing in the world like it. It's an amazing feeling to plant, to tend and to harvest. I highly recommend it. There are so many analogies for life in there, some obvious, some not so much - I'll let you have a think about those. For now, I wish you bon appetit!

Home Sweet Home

2008-07-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

There have been a couple of places that I have either said or thought that I didn’t ever want to go to. When we lived in Jamaica, for some reason, I thought that the United Kingdom, England in particular, sounded so boring and backwards. I can remember thinking that there would never be a reason for me to want to go to England – there were plenty of other places in the world that I would like to go to without wasting time in England. Approximately 4 years later, I stepped off a plane at London’s Heathrow Airport and felt like I had come home. I’ve never shaken the intense “at home” feeling l had living in the UK – mostly in London, but also in the midlands.

Then, while I was living in London, and then doing missions work in various places, I said that I didn’t want to go to Africa – it was so cliché – everyone goes to Africa to do missions work. They don’t need me there – there’s so much happening already and besides, it’s so cliché! Partly, I felt like I had the world at my doorstep in London – I had interaction with Africans everyday. However, the opportunity arose to go to Uganda on a missions trip so who am I to thumb my nose at opportunity? I’ve never been the same. I’ve been twice. You only have to start talking about Uganda or East Africa and I am in tears ready to pack my bags and go. I’ve dipped my feet in the waters of Lake Victoria – they say that if you do that, you will always come back – that’s my prayer.

So I was driving on the Cascade Lakes Highway the other day – heading off for my first overnighter without Jude. I was driving from Bend to Elk Lake. I have to tell you, it is so amazingly beautiful. The mountains, the lakes, the meadows. I was enjoying it and yet there was something niggling at the back of my mind and heart – I wasn’t really happy. I was feeling temporal and unsatisfied, something that I’ve felt a lot for the last few years. So I thought about it and even said a prayer. I realized that there was another place that I had said and thought and wished that I would never go. I never wanted to live in middle-class, suburban America. That’s where I’ve been for the last 6 years.

I won’t go into the whole story, but we moved here on purpose and with forethought. I believe we were supposed to come here. I think Bend is beautiful, a great place to raise kids and Bend has been good to us for the most part. However, I have never felt like it was home. For six years, through buying a house, different jobs, buying cars, having a child, making friends, getting involved, I’ve never let it become our home – I’ve always seen it as a temporary thing, a stopping point before moving on. I think that I’ve really blown it. I think that God sent us here to this place where I’ve had more culture shock and angst than I ever had in a foreign country and I’ve fought it. I’ve wasted time. God sent us somewhere that wasn’t home – more a foreign experience to me than anywhere I’ve lived and because it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted, I’ve been in turn angry, petulant, depressed, apathetic and distant.

It was quite a revelation to me as I travelled down the road. I’m not even sure now what I am to do with this knowledge. I asked God for forgiveness, I know that’s always a good first step. I don’t know what God wants us to do here, what He wants to do in us. I know that my heart still yearns for the city, for the nations and I don’t know if or how those yearnings will come to pass. I do know that I am ready to stop wasting time wishing I were somewhere else. I know that I do love Bend and it is my home.

Photographic Proof

2008-06-27T14:09:00.000-07:00

So I caught Jude in the act today, once again, out into the garage, up into his stroller and ready to ride! Yes, we are geting a new door knob with a lock on it this weekend!

He certainly thinks he's Mr. Clever!

Baby Proof

2008-06-26T21:05:00.000-07:00

So, it turns out we are going to have to do a bit more baby proofing. Well, Jude proofing. Jude's new thing is doors - he loves opening them - car doors, house doors, etc. He's also into buttons of any kind, if there's a button, he'll push it.

He likes to open the door between the house and the garage and venture out into the garage - of course, nothing there is baby safe. He started a new trick today when I left him unattended in the garage for a minute - he climbed up into his stroller, sat down and pulled the tray down in front of him. He was ready to go for a walk - hint, hint! It's amazing to me how he becomes more "person-like" every day, even when that means pushing MY buttons and his boundaries.

My friend Joann took some amazing photos of Jude the other day so I thought I'd share them here...

Lists...

2008-06-18T13:34:00.001-07:00

I love lists. I love making lists, I love compiling lists, I love looking at lists, I love checking things off of lists. I love different kinds of lists: to do, to buy, to watch, to read, to listen to, lists of questions, lists of traits, things I've done, listened to, watched, read, places I've been. I love them!

So I have quite a number of books of lists. Some of them list things for you, others are lists of questions, and others are full of blank lists for you to fill out about yourself and your life - those are probably my favourite. I'm also a bit of an introspective person so I like to think about what's going on inside of me and why I do what I do.

So I thought that I would occasionally take some of those question books and fill in those answers here on my blog for all the world to see.

I'll do a couple today, keeping in mind that the answers can change, be added to or deleted as I grow and change too. I hope that some of these questions and lists get you thinking too.

List all the qualities you love about being human...

Free will (sometimes). I trust God, I sometimes wish that He could make all my decisions for me, knowing that He loves me completely, wants the best for me and is all-knowing and all-wise. However, I am thankful that God doesn't force Himself on me in any way and when I come to Him, I do so of my own free will.

Emotion - again, at times, it feels like I might be better off without emotion, but through the highs and the lows, I am thankful that we have the gift of emotion. When I hear a song or read a story that moves me beyond facts, I love it.

I love the ability that we have to dream and hope and have faith. It's what leads us on to other things, it's what causes us to change, it's what causes us to risk and to do things that we might not naturally do.

List the components of your perfect day... (this one is so much fun and will change often, but this is what a perfect day for me would be right now.)

Jude will have slept all the way through the night until about 8:30 am with no stirring and I will not have awoken throughout the night wondering why he wasn't stirring.

Jude comes into bed with Colin and me to play for a while - we laugh and play games.

Up we get, dressed and off for a late breakfast, brunch it might be called, a proper English breakfast.

Did I mention that we are in Scotland? In Edinburgh, staying in a house on the Firth of Forth.

Then we are off for a walk along the beach, flying a kite along the way. It's intermittently sunny and cloudy. It's cool enough to wear jackets, but not freezing cold.

We head into to town to wander the streets and browse the shops. We find a lovely coffee shop where we can stop and read for a while as Jude plays in the specially designated kids play area. I choose not to have coffee, but have an Irn Bru instead.

We continue our wanderings through town while Jude naps in his stroller. I find some amazing clothes, on sale, that no one at home will have and that are super funky.

When Jude wakes up, we climb up Arthur's Seat together, we take lots of photos and have a great time rolling in the grass.

We head back to our rented house, Jude and Colin play together while I sit in a big over sized chair by the window reading, uninterrupted for an hour.

Then it's time to feed Jude some dinner and get him ready for bed.

The babysitter comes after Jude is asleep and Colin and I head off for the pub. We have fish and chips and talk and laugh and make some plans.

We move to the bar side of the pub and I have a pint of cider while we continue our talk, we play a couple games of cards too.

Then it's back home, say goodbye to the babysitter, make some Milo and play a game of Settlers which I win, but not by too much.

Then it's off to bed...

I guess that's enough for now. As I was thinking about my perfect day, I thought of so many other "perfect" days that I could have. I suppose that if I can't have it all in one day, I can make some of it happen over several days. Maybe not it Scotland...

Here's my boys, not on Arthur's Seat, but in Grandma and Grandpa's backyard. They're both making funny sounds with their lips.

Bushes, Trees and Plants

2008-06-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

So we were out for a walk this evening - off to Felony Park as I like to call it (that's another story). As we were walking along, I was pointing out the flowers, the dogs, the birds, the trees. Suddenly it hit me, Jude is going to have to learn the difference between trees, bushes, shrubs, hedges, plants - what the heck?!!? Who teaches children these things? Am I expected to try to explain the difference to him? This parenting thing is not for pansies! (Now a pansy is a flower, it's different from a daisy or a rose, I'm not sure how to explain it, but trust me, they are different - I should know, I've had a child!)

Time Keeps on Slipping into the Future...

2008-06-10T13:59:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a glorious day in the midst of cloudy, cool weather. We took in the free concert at the amphitheater - it was pretty cool - it was a Sly and the Family Stone cover band. Jude chose that time to wander, dance, flirt, charm and impress on lookers. He also stood for the longest he'd ever stood on his own. Since then, he's been working on the standing thing more and more and just a while ago, he actually stood up on his own from sitting! It's exciting, but also sad as the milestones approach, are conquered and quickly forgotten. He's just growing and changing so much. He's talking a lot too and actually communicating quite well. We are proud...

Here he is off for a walk with Dad.

A few weeks ago, I encountered my old nemesis/best friend again after quite a long break...depression. I've always been a melancholy personality and over the years have struggled to varying degrees with depression. I've never seen a doctor about it or taken medication (does self-medicating count?) There were times in my late teens and early twenties when I would nearly be defeated by it, it was so overwhelming and lasted so long. It has gotten better since those dark days. I wouldn't say that my life has been defined by it, I would have episodes every couple of months, but I think it has always been a part of who I am. I feel things deeply and so when depression comes along, hope is a thing that is hard to imagine. I now struggle with it much less often, but when it does come to visit, it is as strong as ever, if not as long-lasting. I also refer to it as a close friend, because, as a creative person, there have been times when I have harnessed what was happening to create some of my best art, record some of my best writings, and think some of my deepest and most profound thoughts. All that to say, that as a mother, it's a strange experience. Having Jude has changed our lives in all the obvious ways, but for me to transition into a stay at home mom had more impact than I thought it would. During this time a few weeks ago, I took a picture of Jude and I and worked with it in Photoshop to try and express how I was feeling. This wasn't a reflection on Jude or my joy at being his mom, this was about feeling like I was lost, fading, ceasing to have significance as anything but his mom.

I am thankful that I made it through that last bout, emerging into the light with renewed joy and not purpose, but resolve. I made some decisions and I'm actually working on following through with those decisions. More to follow on that in the days ahead. I believe that God can "heal" me of depression. I'm not convinced yet that He wants to or that I want Him to. Whether that's something wrong with me, or He has a purpose yet for it remains to be seen.

Jude and I - I love being a Mom

In other news, we have one helium balloon left from Jude's birthday party which was over a month ago now. It's getting to be a bit spooky because the balloon seems to move at will throughout the house, into the bathrooms, up and down the stairs. We are wondering if it's a spy balloon of some sort. It's kind of creeping me out though!

The creepy balloon - here it is at the bottom of the stairs, when I put Jude down for a nap about a half an hour ago, it was upstairs!

I'm reading a book right now that many people have recommended to me, The Shack. I'm almost half way through it and have yet to form a strong opinion, but I feel a sense of anticipation to complete it. It's enough right now for me that it's based in the Northwest of the US and that the author obviously loves Bruce Cockburn and is spreading that joy. Please, if you have never experienced the music of this amazing Canadian, please check it out. Everyone has a favoured album of their favourite artist, mine is Dart to the Heart.

Prince Caspian

2008-05-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

I saw Prince Caspian on Friday night. I loved it. I am a passionate fan of all things Narnian. I was not disappointed. Sure the plot took some unexpected turns, but I was ok with it.

My Dad wrote some cool things about it in his blog...
http://jimstephensblog.blogspot.com/

Here is my comment on his blog...
I am very aware of the story as I read the Chronicles fairly often, so I did know when the movie plot took turns away from the book plot. However, I loved it. I am thankful that we live in a day and age when these stories that have lived for so long in my imagination are being brought to the screen in a way that doesn't damage my imaginings.

My only real complaint is when some of the sections of dialogue that are important to me from the books are left out of the movies. I love the experience too.

Reepicheep is my absolute favourite character in Narnia, besides Aslan. I think they did a wonderful job with him - Eddie Izzard gave him the voice and mannerisms that I always imagined.

My friend, Joann, said that she wishes she was Ramandu's daughter. I wish that she was too, because then I'd get an invite to the wedding and I could meet Reepicheep.

I'm very excited to see this film again and of course, can't wait for the rest of the movies.

Hope

2008-05-14T20:41:00.000-07:00

So God is good. I'm still struggling with things, but I went to church tonight and found some hope. The first thing I heard was that I may not ever excel at much, but I can excel at worshipping God. That sounds a bit sad, but to me, right now, when I do indeed don't feel like I am excelling at much, it is a hopeful thing for me and I know it's the beginning of a journey for me.

I also heard an amazing message about God's provision. Ok, so the speaker happened to be my Dad, and he is my favourite speaker ever, but it was definitely something I needed to hear. I'll publish the link to the message when it gets posted on the web along with some other things that I felt God spoke to me.

In other news, Jude is a joy. He's giving lots of hugs and kisses right now which make my heart swell everytime. He's also talking pretty much non-stop and he's already laughing whenever he farts! A true boy.

Temporal

2008-05-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm in a season when I am either so full or so empty that I don't know what to do. I am a melancholy personality and so I struggle at times with darker thoughts and feelings. I have a lot to say, but it's a struggle to say it right now. This is a small step. I'm processing things right now. I know that I am blessed, I know that God is good. Life is still hard sometimes. But God is good. Oh, did I mention that life is hard? But God is good.

This Hope

2008-04-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

Matthew 13:16-17
“But you have God-blessed eyes—eyes that see! And God-blessed ears—ears that hear! A lot of people, prophets and humble believers among them, would have given anything to see what you are seeing, to hear what you are hearing, but never had the chance.”

What an amazing opportunity we have, this time that we live in, these moments in history. God has purpose for every time in history and the times since Christ are truly amazing. God’s hope and salvation is available to everyone and Jesus is coming back. People throughout the ages have been hoping and longing for the freedom, hope and grace that we have available to us today. It’s easy for me to get complacent, to complain rather than rejoice. It’s easy to lament the horrors, the sadness, the fear that is so rampant these days – to feel hopeless, but we have cause for great hope.

I want to share the hope that I have to those who feel hopeless in the face of painful circumstances and broken dreams.

Father, I thank You that You have given us hope. Forgive me for the times that I take it for granted. Help me when I feel hopeless and give me the strength to share Your grace and not withhold it when I can be a conduit for Your love.

It Only Takes a Spark

2008-04-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Matthew 10:42
“Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice. You won't lose out on a thing."

The world is in bad shape in so many ways – we’ve messed things up pretty bad. It can be overwhelming to think about all that is wrong, all that needs to be done to make things better – it can be so overwhelming that it’s easy to do nothing. God understands our nature, our tendency towards the easy road. Jesus makes it very clear that the great task before us of sharing His love with a dying and suffering world is accomplished not only through great acts, but through small acts of care and love to those in need.

So there goes my excuses, “it’s too great a task”, “I’m too small and insignificant to make a difference”. There are things that I can do – there always is, I need only to look around me and I know that I will find needs that I am well able to fulfill.

Father, thank You for the great acts and the small acts of faithfulness that You have shown me in my life. Help me to take the time to notice those around me, to share Your love in big and small ways, to not drift in apathy.

Fear Not

2008-04-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

Fear Not

Psalm 34:4-7
4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

There are two kinds of fear that David is talking about here. Fear that will imprison, keep me paralyzed, and fear that will set me free. There is a lot to fear in this world, a long list comes readily to mind. It’s easy to dwell on the fear, on the causes for that fear. Fear will lull me to inactivity, to apathy.

The other fear that David is talking about is fear of the Lord. It is right to fear Him – all-powerful, all-knowing, all-perfect, all-just. Thankfully He is also all-good, all-loving and full of grace.

So what does this mean for me? I am a worrier. Not funny, funny, ha ha, little worry wart, but lie awake at night, feel sick, obsessive worry. I am fearful about many things which sometimes surprises people to hear about me because I’ve done a lot of adventurous things in my life, but in many ways I don’t have a lot of fear for myself. I worry mostly about those that I love. Anyway, I don’t think that being delivered from all my fears is a one-off deal, I think it’s a process. I believe that God delivers people from their fears – fears greater and smaller than mine, and indeed, my own fears. I have a part to play though – I need to seek the Lord, and, I confess, that I often look everywhere else before I look to Him for relief from my fears. I know that when He delivers me, that I am radiant with freedom and grace. I know that fear has its place, I need to put my fear in God. Not the trembling, aching, paralyzing fear, but the freeing, joyful fear of the One who knows all, can do all and Who loves me anyway.

Father, I am often afraid – you know how afraid. Forgive me for trying to find solutions everywhere but in You. I ask that You would deliver me from my fears. I am thankful that You are well able to.

Would You Like a Little Gas with that Lecture?

2008-04-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

I love my Dad. My Dad and I are a lot alike. We know each other pretty well. My Dad used to own service stations, he used to be a mechanic - once a mechanic, always a mechanic. Anyway, Dad always taught my sister and I to take care of our cars. He also is a big fan of keeping your car gassed up. This has always been important to me too. However, since I had Jude, it's not as easy, because I like to fill up at a place where you have to go in can't pay at the pump and it's a pain to get Jude in and out of the car.

So not too long ago, I noticed that I was getting low on petrol and needed to fill up soon - my car didn't give me the little warning beep and light though, so I figured it'd be ok. Anyway, I got to thinking about it one evening and knew that I needed to go out with Jude the next day and if, by chance, I were to run out of petrol, I wouldn't want to be on the side of the road with Jude. So Colin looked after Jude while I headed out to fill up the car. I made it around the corner and then the car went dead. I couldn't call Colin because I had the car with the car seat in it and he had Jude. I really didn't want to call my Dad because I knew he'd be disappointed in me, but I didn't have a choice. So, I called my Mom and Dad. They were very gracious and went right out and filled up a gas can and came to me.

So here I am, Dad's putting the gas in the tank and we're chatting. He's not giving me a hard time or anything, but I start making my excuses. Of course, he's got the answers to all of my excuses. I start to laugh and tell him that I didn't want to call him because he'd be disappointed in me. I say, "So do you want some gas with your lecture?" It wasn't a big deal really, but it just made me so thankful for my Dad - for his graciousness, for the fact the that he's conscientious, but most of all because even though I got a bit of a lecture, he brought me some gas when I hadn't been smart and I was on the side of the road. Reminds me of my other Father.

Thoughts...

2008-04-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

I was so happy today when I went through the list of blogs that I check everyday and nearly every one of them had been updated - it was so cool! A reminder to me that I need to update more often. I have the thoughts, it's just taking the time that's the issue.

Yesterday, Colin and a friend of his did a gig at a retirement village here in town. Jude and I went along for moral support and it was a lot of fun. It was a very nice place - Colin and I were thinking of moving in, but it's for 55 and older. The gig went really well, Colin on a very nice grand piano and his friend played sax. They did mostly jazz ballads and oldies - they did great. Jude was great too. He was quiet for a while and then, of course, he wanted to get up and go. So he and I walked around the dining hall, mostly with Jude walking behind his stroller. It struck me as very ironic as I watched men and women come and go using walkers, some with very similar gaits as Jude, halting and unsure. Here is this beautiful little boy learning to walk, to use his legs. Here are these men and women losing their ability to walk, to get around on their own. What a short amount of time we have of full health and ability. Not that it's bad, it's life. We move quickly through these stages of life.

Jude was a huge hit. As we were leaving everyone was very appreciative of the music, however, one woman actually said that while the music was good, Jude was great!

Anyway, that's enough for today. Coming soon, a story about my Dad and me.

Am I Weird?

2008-03-18T14:35:00.000-07:00

So, I tidy Jude's play pen. It's not just that I put toys away, I actually put things in alphabetical and numerical order. I don't think I obssess about it though - it just gets to me when it's been chaotic for a while - I think that Jude won't be able to find his toys and won't have fun if it's all a mess. Of course, he seeks to destroy all neat stacks as soon as I make them. But that's the fun of it I suppose. Is it co-dependent that I like to tidy and that Jude is a little chaos-maker?

Before

After

All the Little Penguins Lined Up in Numerical Order

In other news, we've decided to officially mark March 17, 2008, St Patrick's Day, as the day Jude spoke his first word. Here's the scenario: Colin had Jude on teh changing table and Jude was babbling away, mostly saying "bah, bah, bah" and then I walked up beside him, he looked right at me and said "mama". It was amazing. Sigh...

Places That I've Lived

2008-03-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed last night, thinking, not sleeping and I turned to my past. I thought about all the places I've lived. It's amazing the affect each has had on my life. From the place where I was born, that I thought I never wanted to leave, to the places that I love so much, that I've had to leave for various reasons.

It's interesting to me how places help to form people - how people from particular areas are united by similar traits and attitudes - all because of where they are from. I feel so priviledged to have been able to experience many different cultures in the US and abroad.

So here's the list...

Richland, Washington, USA
Medford, Oregon, USA
Springfield, Missouri, USA
Linstead, Jamaica, West Indes
Kingston, Jamaica, West Indes
Tucker, Georgia, USA
Leytonston, London, England, UK
Leyton, London, England, UK
Tyler, Texas, USA
M/V Anastasis - Holland, Wales, Canary Islands
The Canary Islands, Spain
Federal Way, Washington, USA
West Richland, Washington, USA
Nuneaton, England, UK
Isle of Dogs, London, England, UK
Bethnal Green, London, England, UK
Leytonstone, London, England, UK
Howick, Auckland, New Zealand
Tacoma, Washington, USA
Mount Eden, Auckland, New Zealand
Tacoma, Washington, USA
Bend, Oregon, USA

It Hurts So Good

2008-03-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I think about Jude, my heart aches so much with love for him. It's amazing how this has happened. He doesn't really do anything to earn this devotion or depth of emotion from me. I have to pretty much do everything for him, the good, the bad and the ugly (don't forget smelly, tedious and frustrating). And yet I find myself so in love with him, wanting the best for him, saddened by any injury or illness in him. There isn't much I can imagine that I wouldn't do to protect him, to help him. Is this really how God feels about us? Does His heart ache with love for me when He looks at me, even when He sees my messes, when He smells my stink, when He hears my cries? I believe that He does, though it's hard to imagine at times. My desire for Jude is that he lives life fully, that he loves God completely and that when asked, he will live for others. I imagine that is God's desire for each of us.

Jude Playing the Highchair Like Animal Plays the Drums

2008-03-03T21:39:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, there is no limit to his talents!

As Little Children

2008-03-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16

This is the first time in my Bible reading that I have read this passage since I've had a child. It takes on a different meaning to me now. I am so thankful that Jesus doesn't turn children away in favour of "more important" adults and busyness and ministry. I pray that I am one who will bring my son to Jesus, that He might touch him and lay His hands on him and bless him. And I pray that Jude will always come to Jesus with the heart and faith of a child whether he is 2 or 27 or 65. I am excited to introduce to Jude to the only One who loves him more than Colin and I and to see the plans that God has for Jude unfold in his life.

More Teeth

2008-02-24T20:05:00.001-08:00

Just an update...Jude had his first tooth (bottom left) for more than a month. In the last three days, he's gotten 5 more so he has a total of 6 now. Crazy! I think he's starting to feel better though - a bit more appetite and he's talking lots again.

Teeth

2008-02-20T12:29:00.000-08:00

So Jude has his one tooth on the bottom that is fully in and shining for all to see. However, it seems that all three of his next teeth to come are coming at once. They keep popping out and then sinking back in. He doesn't seem to be in a lot of pain which is good, but his appetite seems down.

Speaking of appetites...Jude went in for a check up last week and we found that his weight went from being in the 50th percentile, down to the 25th percentile. The doctor, who seems to know me fairly well, said not to freak out, not to force feed him. It's basically because he moves around so much and also because he's starting to feed himself more that he uses more calories and is getting fewer of them. That's all well and good, but it hasn't stopped me from freaking out. Of course, Jude has had a cold and is teething so that hasn't helped his appetite. I've been wracking my brain trying to find ways to get more calories into the boy. He's not totally up for some of the new things I've been trying - mostly because they're still too chunky I think. I did some research online (where else) to find out how many calories a baby is supposed to have every day, and apparently, you take their height in inches and multiply it by 40. So for Jude, that is 1200 calories a day!!!! How is that even possible? The average medium jar of baby food has about 70 calories in it. Milk only has about 20 calories an ounce. He'd have to eat sun up to sun down! I just don't know. It's hard for a Mom, I know I probably am over reacting, but I am responsible for the health and well-being of this amazing child and it feels like he's lacking or suffering. It really sucks. Being a Parent is tough, though I imagine being a child might be tougher.

Other than that, Jude is wonderful. He's a speed crawler and climbing fool. He's figuring out how to go down the stairs now, sliding on his tummy. It's a bit freaky because he'll be climbing up the stairs with a parent in tow and all of the sudden he morphs into a ski shape and slides down a couple stairs.

He's also been on his first ride down a slide and on the swings. He seemed to enjoy it all, especially the slide, he looked like he was about to hurl on the swing.

I'm also working from home now. I'm back with Westside overseeing the website. It's a pretty cool fit and it's great that I can work from home.

Biter Biscuits and Babies

2008-02-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

So I just had to share some of this experience. I was trying to clean the kitchen and get dinner started so I gave Jude a teething biscuit in his high chair to occupy him for a while. I forgot to put a bib on him. It wasn't pretty. Involved a change of clothes and some serious clean up - but Jude had fun.

It's all good.

What are you looking at?!?!

I'm still hungry - I'll eat my clothes.

Plotting to take over the world - ha ha ha!

Shhhh.... don't tell anyone how messy I am!

Drunk on power

Yee Haw!

Happy...

How much can I fit in here?

Yummy

Song for Jude

2008-02-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

So, I sing songs to Jude all the time. Many of the standard baby songs, of course, lots of rock and pop too. I also write my own lyrics at times, usually to the tune of songs I already know. I am particularly proud of the song that I will share below. It's full of joy, baby and mommy angst, culturally relevant and educational!

It is simply called A Song for Jude...
(sung to the tune of "I'm a Little Teapot")

Jude’s a little baby,
He’s my boy.
He brings me happiness and lots of joy.

When I get all steamed up,
He helps me cope.
He’s much better than smoking dope.

That's it, it's my best song to date. There will be many more to follow. I'm on the look out for a recording contract. Well, at least Jude likes to listen to me...

Snowy Day

2008-01-31T09:38:00.000-08:00

So this was the view from Jude's room this morning... Hard to believe that more snow fell overnight and is still falling.

More shovelling, of course, but I don't mind too much - I find it fairly relaxing.

Jude got his first tooth a couple of weeks ago, it took a while to come in, but I truly didn't mind! It took ages to get a photo of it, but I final succeeded.

It's a bit blurry but it's there. What else has Jude been up to? He loves climbing stairs now. I was distracted for about 30 seconds the other day and when I looked up, he was nowhere to be seen or heard. So I jumped up in search of him and found him up 5 stairs already. Sigh...he's a rascal. He's also exploring more culinary delights. He discovered Cheerios and there was no going back! He also feeds himself bananas and has sampled salsa, Chinese soups, sweet and sour sauce, fortune cookies and (don't tell anyone) he's even sampled a couple of potato chips - he just sucked the salt off and spit the rest out! Oh and my favourite thing that he's doing lately is saying "Ma Ma" all the time. I'm convinced he knows what it means since he often says it when he sees me or wants me. He is after all an exceptional child.

So St Charles has this amazing wooden mural in the main lobbey of the hospital and I admire it whenever I am there (which, as I mentioned yesterday, is entirely too often lately). It's beautiful, but the thing that I always am drawn to is the motto that is engraved on it.

I think it is so cool. I also think that it should be our motto as Christians and as the Church. "The only excuse for our presence in your midst is service - service to our neighbour and through him to our God" Wow. Not much more to be said about that.

St Charles

2008-01-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

So here we are in the St Charles waiting room yet again. This is a strange thing for our family - we've never been a family who visits doctors often nor have we spent much time in hospitals. That changed a bit about a year ago. My Mom went into the hospital in January of 2007 with some chest pain - spent over a week, underwent numerous tests and they found nothing and discharged her. Then in the weeks leading up to Jude's birth in April, I was in the hospital a couple times a week for Jude monitoring and then of course the 60 hours of labour and 6 days in the hospital when he was born. When Jude was almost 10 weeks old, Colin had his appendix removed for the first time and spent a couple of days in the hospital. Less than a week later he was back with massive infection, had to have the rest of his appendix (they forgot some) removed and spent over a week in the hospital. Now, here we are again. Mom is having her gall bladder removed - she met with the surgeon yesterday and they decided to get that sucker out of there. Hopefully it will bring relief - it's been causing her trouble for almost 25 years!

Anyway, it's just strange to have spent so much time in the hospital when, for years, we have kept our distance. It's interesting watching people, all of us waiting for news of those we love. Praying for guidance for the doctors, watching each other, passing the time, eating in the cafeteria (which is actually quite nice here) and watching the door for the doctor or the nurse, someone who will let us know that the surgery is done, or that we'll get to leave soon, or that more tests are needed. I have serious issues with worry as well which doesn't help, but that's a subject for another day.

Speaking of which, the surgeon just came out and said that all is well - everything went as it should and Mom is in recovery. Sweet relief. Now we wait for a while longer in this next phase.

On a side note, Jude is such a trooper - he was so good when his Dad was here and now he's being awesome for Grandma too. Apart from not wanting to take a nap - but that's par for the course.

Look at me...

2008-01-23T10:00:00.001-08:00

I was reading today in Exodus about when God called Moses to speak to Pharaoh for His people...
"And Moses answered, "Look at me. I stutter. Why would Pharaoh listen to me?" God told Moses, "Look at me."
I spend entirely too much time "looking" at myself and being disappointed by what I see and what I don't see. I don't spend nearly enough time looking at God in whom there is no deficiency, no lack - only strength and grace and wholeness. I don't want to waste time on regrets and fear and self-degradation. I want to look at my Source and do what He asks me to do with the strength He gives me.

Jude 8 months plus, Melissa too

2008-01-16T11:15:00.000-08:00

Piano Virtuoso

So the young man is changing all the time as usual. It's truly an amazing process to see this little human, who is like a blank canvas, learn and grow everyday. Starting from nothing, he is learning to communicate, to move, to change the world around him. He's also learning (I hope) about boundaries and risks and danger. He's very mobile and at this point, he's already climbed out of his crib at Grandma's and took a dive to the floor, he's jumped off of our bed and met the floor. It's like he has no fear at this point - it's frightening and amazing and I hope he doesn't lose his sense of adventure, but I do hope he learns quickly about gravity.

As for his Mom, I am thinking a lot these days about being a parent. It's an incredible responsibility and one that I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to undertake. At the same time, it's all so new and overwhelming. It's a huge change for me. I've always worked, been quite independent and I am used to setting my own schedule. So there is adjustment for me as I take into account this other human who has no regard for me and my desire for structure and schedules - I don't begrudge this change, but it is difficult nonetheless. I am trying to understand my new role and how to maintain my identity as Melissa as well as Jude's Mom.

Jude and His Mom - Cross Country Skiing

So I'm working it out - it's taking longer than I thought it would, but it's good. I'm enjoying the ride and I am loving Jude and the life that he's brought to our lives.

Jude, more than six months on...

2007-11-20T22:14:00.001-08:00

I continue to be blown away by Jude and amazed that I am now a parent. Then I think about what it must be like for Jude and that's even more difficult to imagine. He's learning things - physically, mentally and socially at an astonishing rate. He's got to learn in a very short amount of time to communicate, to move around, to affect his surroundings, to be a socially acceptable being. And I think that I'm on a steep learning curve!

It is all happening fast though and I don't always remember to note things these days.

He's eating "solid" food and I use that term very loosely (no pun intended). He seems to be quite into his sweet peas, carrots, beans, peas, bananas, pears, peaches and applesauce. Most of it even seems to make it into his mouth.

He's very mobile these days. He scoots and rolls around the room, and can't really be left unattended for long. He has many toys, but often seems to prefer shoes, plastic bags, floor fluff and anything else besides his toys that is left lying on the floor.

He's such a happy boy - everyone seems to notice this - he has a ready smile for just about everyone. He's very ticklish too and his laugh is now one of my favourite sounds in the whole wide world.

He's still a wiggler - he seems to be constantly in motion except when he's asleep. He hasn't master standing yet mostly because he just won't be still. We call him Elvis Legs because when you stand him up, he does this whole Elvis dance thing with his hips going wild - the girls in the 50s would love it!

Just a few more thoughts about Jude.

Jude Stuff 1

2007-07-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Some things that about Jude...

We are projecting on him and think that his first 2 words (at 12.5 weeks) have been "hi" and "England".
He fights sleep real hard for such a little guy - we don't know why. He seems to enjoy sleep when he gets there but doesn't seem to like the process of going to sleep or waking up.
I'm teaching him to stick his tongue out - an important skill for any child to have and one that I am sure I will regret later.
He smiles and laughs and talks a lot - it's amazing to see him smile at me - a smile just for me.
He seems to be a morning person at this stage in his life - he wakes up early and then is just so happy and interactive. He sometimes gets fussy in the evening.
I've made up several songs for him - my 2 favourites are "cheeky, cheeky, chin, chin...nose" and "Who's the cutiest, cutie pie (or stinky pants, or baby boy, or...)... it's you!"
Colin makes up lots of songs for him using existing melodies - we started with "Hey Jude" but have moved on to other songs.
People think that Jude is just gorgeous - super cute. Several people have said that he's not just baby cute - you know how babies are often kind of ugly, but cute because they are babies? Well, Jude is beautiful!

Learning

2007-07-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

I am so amazed as I watch my son begin to learn. I know he's been learning from day one, but it's becoming so much more obvious now. I see him learning about cause and effect as he plays. What an amazing idea, that God would create us to learn, He entrusts us to our families as guides. It's a huge responsibility.

We've been thinking about it as he is "talking" more. The other day he said something that had an "s" in it and it sounded so much like a word, though it was not - it caught me off guard and startled me. Then I got to thinking about what an amazing thing it is when a child, who starts from nothing, learns a language - think of it, just by observing and listening, a child learns to communicate!

Colin and I were talking about this the other day, from the moment our children are born, we are willing them to go to the next stage - to be able to focus, to be able to grasp, to be able to hold their heads up, to be able to walk, to be able to talk. There are all these developmental milestones that we are wanting them to achieve. Then there will come a time when we just want them to lie down, be quiet and quit grabbing things!

I never understood what people were talking about when they would say that they miss this phase when the baby is small - when Jude was first born, I couldn't wait until he was bigger and more independent because I felt so helpless and overwhelmed. Now I am beginning to understand - it's going by so fast and he is so amazing. There is something very special about a newborn - about the first months when he is so dependent, I'm sure that I, too, will miss that.

I am excited about him growing up as well though. What kind of person will he be? What memories will we make together as a family? What adventures will he be a part of? We pray for his everyday that he would grow to be the child, the young man and the man that God wants him to be.

Pregnant

2007-04-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

So we waited almost 8 years to decide to have a baby. We never intended to, but somewhere along the line, we changed our minds. So by the time Jude arrives, it will be more than 8 years since we were married. I love that we waited so long, even though it means we are a bit older. Our relationship is rock solid and we've experienced so much together. Not that I feel in any way prepared for having a child!

Now about pregnancy. Nothing could have prepared me for how stressful it is. There are so many worries and I am a worrier. I thought that once I got pregnant, it would be smooth sailing. Then I thought if I can get past the first 3 months, there will be nothing to worry about. After that, I realised I will probably worry about this child for the rest of my life, inside or outside of me. Then there is the physical side fo being pregnant. It changes everything! This little alien inside of me has taken over many of my bodily functions, caused me pain, discomfort and makes me so tired! However, it's also amazing to feel him move around in there and to think that there is a little person - a whole nother human who is living inside of me and will be coming out to meet us soon. I am also probably over-educated which isn't helpful with a hypochondriac. I look things up on the internet all the time - every ache, pain or change. I have several pregnancy books as well. I hope all this has helped me to form a healthy child, but it's given me high blood pressure!

Then there is birth. I'm not ashamed to admit I am somewhat fearful about the whole process. I remind myself daily, that I was created to be able to do this and millions have women have done it down through the centuries and one way or another he will come out and we'll both be ok. He is a big baby like his Dad with a big head though! I am just praying I don't freak out totally.

Then there is the baby. So we've got some gear, we've decorated the nursery, we've bought clothes and nappies and a crib, but how do you take care of a baby? I don't think it's all intuitive, so where do you learn this stuff? I've got some books of course, but I just don't know. That's the physical side of things, what about raising a well-adjusted child who's not going to go out and become a mass murderer? There is this incredible weight of responsibility for caring for a child - body, soul and spirit. I hope we are up to it. It's easy to live a fairly selfish life when there are only the two of us to consider.

My sister and her husband just adopted a new born baby boy this week and I find myself worrying about him as well! It's an amazing thing though - they have wanted a child for as long as they have been married - 13 years. So they finally started the adoption process, but nothing was really happening and it dragged on. Then I show up pregnant and I know that was hard for them. So up to a couple of months ago, it looked like I would have a child before them. My prayer had always been for them to have a child before us. Anyway, God must have been involved because this miracle has happened and their son was born less than a week ago now.

So those are some of the thoughts that go through my mind as I contemplate the last months and think about what is in store for us in a few weeks.

Just been looking at some photos of places we've been...

2007-03-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Life's an adventure

Colin on Arthur's Seat, Edinburgh, Scotland on our honeymoon

Melissa on Arthur's Seat, Edinburgh, Scotland on our honeymoon

Colin on the River Seine, Paris, France

Melissa on the River Seine, Paris, France

On a friend's yacht in Auckland Harbour

In a London Phone Booth

In Bath, England

At a park in London while we were going out.

The night we got engaged - by Tower Bridge in London.

On Lake Victoria in Uganda - once you put your feet in the water of Lake Victoria - you'll always return.

At the Equator in Uganda.

On a ferry near Seattle.