Disappointment

Has anyone ever disappointed you in a profound way? Have you ever disappointed someone deeply?

I know that I disappoint myself quite regularly - in big ways and small ways. My latest disappointment to myself is using my last, albeit, incredibly rough bout of sickness as an excuse to go off my eating and exercise plan. I think I am allowed a bit of lenience but I have let it go on too long. I love eating right and exercising, when I'm doing it. I don't like giving up my seeming pleasures and laziness, but once I do, I love it. So I am disappointed in myself, but ready to get going again.

I'm also quite disappointed in someone that I know. It's hard to know how much to say in such a public forum, but I find it incredibly hard to respect this person anymore. They are still speaking in high and lofty terms which, to me, are at odds to they way they have chosen to behave and the pain and hurt they have caused.

Knowing how much I disappoint myself, God and others, I don't want to judge this person. But, honestly, I do. I deep down do. I'm actually so judgemental I amaze myself and not in a good way. I wish I wasn't. I will work on not being this way.

It's funny because when I was growing up, I was so black and white about everything. There was a right and a wrong and I was on the side of right. I was fierce. As I've gotten older, I have become more tolerant. There is much more grey in my world these days. At one time I would have considered that a weakness, because I considered grey a sign of compromise. Nowadays, I tend to judge those who are staunch and inflexible more, those "black and white" kind of people. I think I've learned a lot about grace, I hope I've learned a lot more about God. Still, that judgemental side seems to rise up in me, and I climb up on my high horse and ride off again.

Anyway, back to this mystery person. I don't have to see them everyday, or deal with them much at all. That helps. I know, however, that I need to release them, despite the fact that they may not change, and that they may continue to lie and hurt others. I long to be released myself, from all my sins and shortcomings. Isn't that what we all long for? Grace. I want it desperately, help me to give it freely as well.