Pondering

I know that we say every year that the beast that is retail starts us towards the Christmas season earlier and earlier. This year, though, it seems like I really noticed it. I was so excited about Christmas early this year. However, it seems like it's seeped away a bit. We've had a lot going on with our family so I suppose that might explain it. It was bad enough that I almost decided not to put my tree up or decorate - that's extreme. However, I did it anyway and I'm so glad.

Now I'm trying to get back into the spirit of things. I'm getting there. I think it would help if it snowed!

Anyway, I've got lots on my mind - thoughts swirling and whirling - I want to write more, but don't feel able to at the moment. So strange.

Hopefully I'll write more soon.

14 Days till Christmas!

Walk and Talk

Well, so many Facebook friends have been doing this that I had to give it a try. It was way fun and I highly recommend it. I particularly like Question #24.

1. Set your Ipod on Shuffle

2. As you read each question advance your ipod and fill in the song title to the answer

1. If someone says to you, " Is this okay"

a. Tomorrow

2. What would best describe your personality?

a. Some Might Say

3. What do you like in a boy

a. London

4. How do you feel today?

a. Only One

5. What is your Life Purpose?

a. Erosion

6. What is your motto?

a. I Want to Hold Your Hand

7. What do your friends think of you?

a. Other Emcees

8. What do you think about quite often?

a. Digging for Gold

9. What is 2+2?

a. I Wait for the Lord

10. What do you think of your best friend?

a. Pioneer

11. What do you think of the person you like?

a. Twisted

12. What is your life story?

a. I Can’t Wait to get to Heaven

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?

a. Infidel

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?

a. To Tell Them

15. What do your parents think of you?

a. Send and Transmit

16. What will you dance to at your wedding?

a. Blue Eyes

17. What will you play at your funeral?

a. Down Under

18.What is your hobby/interest?

a. The Economy of Mercy

19. What is your biggest secret?

a. Jesus, I Lift My Eyes

20. What do you think of your friends?

a. Friend of God

21. What is the worst thing that could happen?

a. Ride the Dragon

22.How will you Die?

a. Now and Forever

23. What is the one thing you regret?

a. Blind

24. What makes you laugh?

a. The Way I Was Made

25.What makes you cry?

a. The Saddest Song I’ve Got

26. Will you ever get married?

a. Fields of Gold

27.What scares you the most?

a. Green Onions

28. Does anyone like you?

a. Devil in the Wishing Well

29. If you could go back in time, what would you change?

a. Where Do I Go From Here?

30. What hurts right now?

a. The Best Thing

31. What will you post this as?

a. Walk and Talk

Like I said I do like London boys!

Ever Wondered What Your Elvish Name Is?

Me neither. But then I came across a site that told me and it made me happy so I thought I would share.

If you are a boy, check it here Elvish Boys

If you are a girl, check it here Elvish Girls

So here's mine:
Nieriel or Nioniel (Nee-air-ee-ell; Nee-onn-ee-ell)

And Colin's:
Sellion (Sell-ee-on)

And Jude's:
Eglerion (Eh-glare-ee-on)

That's my tidbit for the day...
Sincerely,
Nieriel

OK, I love this song.

Colin doesn't like it too much, but Jude and I love it. Steve Songs has a great cd called Marvelous. I highly recommend it. Hmmm, have my musical tastes changed a bit? Or just broadened?

Jim Stephens' Blog: God Bless America!

Whatever your political views, I believe this is a huge step for our country. I love my Dad's perspective on it - see the link below. God please bless America.

Jim Stephens' Blog: God Bless America!

Autumn

So do you say Fall or Autumn? I use both actually, but I love the word Autumn more. I adore this time of year. It's my favourite, though there are things I love about each season. I lived on a tropical island for over four years so I have a real appreciation for seasons.

I thought I would just share some of the things that I love about Autumn. This isn't an exhaustive list by any means.

* The temperature drops. I'm not a huge fan of hot weather so I like it when it cools down. I like being outside in the Fall, I like warmer clothes, I love boots and hats and scarves.
It's just so darn beautiful. The colours! The trees.
* Crunchy leaves all around.
* Culinary delights. Pumpkins, squash, hearty stews and soups, the thought of Thanksgiving dinner not too far away, hot drinks, mulled wine and cider, caramel apples. So many good things come out to be eaten in the Fall!
* Playing in the leaves.
* Getting the house ready for winter - cleaning the heaters and turning them on, getting the hoses put away, putting in the vent plugs, harvesting the last of the garden produce and preparing it for winter.
* Wrapping up in a blanket with a hot drink and reading for an hour (who am I kidding, 20 minutes!)
* Cool nights, getting into bed and feeling the crisp, cold sheets begin to warm up, snuggling down under the covers.
* Did I mention boots? I love boots!

Disappointment

Has anyone ever disappointed you in a profound way? Have you ever disappointed someone deeply?

I know that I disappoint myself quite regularly - in big ways and small ways. My latest disappointment to myself is using my last, albeit, incredibly rough bout of sickness as an excuse to go off my eating and exercise plan. I think I am allowed a bit of lenience but I have let it go on too long. I love eating right and exercising, when I'm doing it. I don't like giving up my seeming pleasures and laziness, but once I do, I love it. So I am disappointed in myself, but ready to get going again.

I'm also quite disappointed in someone that I know. It's hard to know how much to say in such a public forum, but I find it incredibly hard to respect this person anymore. They are still speaking in high and lofty terms which, to me, are at odds to they way they have chosen to behave and the pain and hurt they have caused.

Knowing how much I disappoint myself, God and others, I don't want to judge this person. But, honestly, I do. I deep down do. I'm actually so judgemental I amaze myself and not in a good way. I wish I wasn't. I will work on not being this way.

It's funny because when I was growing up, I was so black and white about everything. There was a right and a wrong and I was on the side of right. I was fierce. As I've gotten older, I have become more tolerant. There is much more grey in my world these days. At one time I would have considered that a weakness, because I considered grey a sign of compromise. Nowadays, I tend to judge those who are staunch and inflexible more, those "black and white" kind of people. I think I've learned a lot about grace, I hope I've learned a lot more about God. Still, that judgemental side seems to rise up in me, and I climb up on my high horse and ride off again.

Anyway, back to this mystery person. I don't have to see them everyday, or deal with them much at all. That helps. I know, however, that I need to release them, despite the fact that they may not change, and that they may continue to lie and hurt others. I long to be released myself, from all my sins and shortcomings. Isn't that what we all long for? Grace. I want it desperately, help me to give it freely as well.

It's All Yours

So, I'm not a big fan of Steven Curtis Chapman. Nothing against him, just haven't ever been into him. My friend, Chris, wrote on my Facebook and said she had been listening to a SCC song that talked about London and Uganda and she thought of me. London and Uganda? Of course, I was curious so I asked her about it and found out what song it is. It's called "Yours". It talks about 2 of my favourite places on this planet in ways that resound with me. My heart yearns for good things for the people of London and Uganda. Anyway, the song is long, but good. He's recently rewritten and recorded a new version that includes a verse that references the recent death of his daughter. That's not the version I've included here, though it's really good.

Here it is.

37 Things

I had my 37th birthday a couple of weeks ago. Following Katie and Bo's example, I've decided to list my 37 favourite things as of this moment (in no particular order).

1. September (sadly it's passed for another year) It's the beginning of Autumn, my favourite season and it's also the month that gave me Colin Blackett, but that's a story for another number.
2. Colin Blackett - my best friend, my son's amazing father and a wonderful husband (also born in September).
3. London, England - it's hard to describe, but it's probably my true home, my heart's home.
4. Jude Lewis Blackett - my joy, my challenge, my greatest achievement though I feel I've had little to do with how wonderful he is. He's funny, he's clever, he's a great teacher.
5. Water - in all its many wonderful forms - oceans, rivers, lakes, rain, snow, ice, in a tall cold glass, dew...
6. Science Fiction - love it, it's taken me places that my feet can never go.
7. Jim Stephens - my Dad. Amazingly wise, incredibly up to date on just about everything, well-read, the best teacher ever, a wonderful writer and open-minded. I hope I grow up to be like him.
8. Jean Stephens - my Mom. Incredibly faithful, brave, badger-like loyalty (you don't want to mess with her family!), wise, an amazing teacher, and, of course, the best Grandma ever. I hope I grow up to be like her.
9. Magazines - I love magazines, I'm taking a year or so off of new subscriptions, but I do love them. Fashion magazines - In Style and Vogue are favs, Real Simple, Parenting Mags, Paste Music, Relevant, Layers...read on.
10. Stephanie Smith - my sister, my best friend. We're shared so much over the years including all the usually sibling fights, but we're still friends. She is so incredibly generous, sensitive, strong, creative, talented and she's also a great wife and mom. I hope I grow up to be like her. She's also got a super husband, Philip and a wonderful son, Jesse.
11. New Zealand. I love NZ first and foremost because it brought me Colin. However, it's also breathtakingly beautiful, rugged, fun, friendly. They didn't have to do much to make it look like Middle Earth and Narnia, I think heaven will look a lot like New Zealand.
12. Books - nuf said.
13. Wood floors.
14. Art galleries.
15. Purses. I love them in all their shapes and sizes, but unfortunately I don't last too long without a big bag. I am, however, on a seemingly never-ending search for the perfect handbag.
16. Guinness.
17. English cider.
18. English pubs.
19. Youth with a Mission. It certainly has its faults, but it's good at it's heart and I love it and am thankful for it.
20. Our small group - also known as the Game and Fun group.
21. PBS Kids.
22. The library.
23. Bob Ross
24. Sign Language for kids.
25. God. Faithful. I'm often not faithful, but He always is.
26. Netflix.
27. Thanksgiving Dinner - I love traditional Thanksgiving Dinner, but our family always mixes it up by choosing a different international flavor for each year.
28. Digital cameras.
29. The internet.
30. Spark People. It's helping me get healthy again.
31. My garden.
32. Faraway friends. I don't love that they are faraway, but I love them.
33. Hope. I'd be lost without it.
34. Shoes.
35. Facebook.
36. Reading to Jude.
37. Listening to Colin play with Jude.

Jim Stephens' Blog: Trust and Obey

Jim Stephens' Blog: Trust and Obey

Finding the Me in Mothering

This is an article I wrote for our most recent MOPS Newsletter...

Hi, my name is Melissa, I’m Jude’s Mom, oh and I used to be so much more!

When I got married, the plan was that we weren’t going to have children. I was happy with that decision for years, 7 years in fact. We changed our minds and Jude was born a couple months after our 8 year anniversary.

In the time “pre-Jude” we did a lot. We lived in 3 different countries, travelled quite a lot, did some missions work and then we settled down here in Oregon, and I embarked on a career in the church. I had an amazing time, I was daily challenged, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and as a leader. I had quite a bit of responsibility and I loved it, though at times it was exhausting. When I got pregnant, my initial thought was that I would return to work. I took six weeks off after Jude was born and then went back to work (way too soon!). By twelve weeks I had resigned, jumped off the career path, let go of my work responsibilities and took on a whole new and unexpected role.

I love being a Mom, I never knew I would love it so much. It challenges me daily, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and as a leader. However, some days, it just feels like monotony, eat, sleep, change dirty diapers, worry about Jude, play games with Jude, sing silly songs to Jude. Gone is the daily interaction with other adults, brainstorming ideas, making things happen. Many days it’s just me and Jude. It’s taken me a while to realize that I’m still the same person I was before I became Jude’s mom. I’m learning to express my creativity in different ways and to understand that my role as a leader has never been more important.

There are days when I still get a bit nostalgic for the “good old days”, when I long for an adult-sized challenge or a conversation about anything besides kids, but more and more I am realizing that I am right where I am supposed to be, doing what I love. And if I happen to meet you for the first time, I’ll say, “Hi, my name is Melissa, I’m Jude’s Mom.

Words Fail Me

Thanks to Randall for alerting us to the presence of this fine piece of art...

8 Hours a Night?!?!

We all know that as parents, you enter a new season of life (I have no idea how long it lasts) where you get less sleep than the average person. The first few months were rough - we were enjoying being parents, but we were beyond exhausted. It was like that feeling when you've been travelling for a long time in a single journey, you've had 3 flights already and you're in the airport waiting for your last flight with a 2 hour lay over. That got better though and we got into more of a routine and eventually Jude was sleeping through the night more than he was not. There were still occasional nights when he would wake up, but it wasn't too bad.

The last couple of weeks, Jude has been waking up 2-5 times a night. He's not really crying, just whimpering and whining. Sometimes it last 10 minutes, sometimes an hour. Sometimes it escalates to full on crying which means going in to comfort him back to sleep, never knowing if he'll stay asleep for the rest of the night or if he's just getting some rest for his next act.

I'm realising how important sleep is. Good, uninterrupted, deep sleep. During the day I am worn out, I am not feeling inspired or creative. I have lots to do and I get most of it (ok, some of it) done, but there sure ain't no spring in my step. We long for the night and yet dread going to sleep, wondering how long till we are awoken.

I know we don't have it too bad, we just got used to things the way they were. It's a bit stressful too, hoping that he's ok, that we are doing the right things.

All that to say, treasure your sleep, get it when you can, rejoice in the energy and strength it brings. Pray for Jude that he'll start sleeping through the night again!

This is How a Garden Grows

With the help of our wonderful friends, Matt and Tori, my dream of having a vegetable garden came to pass this year. I have what might be referred to as a "black thumb" - the thumb of death for all things green. Mostly this isn't a problem, we have a "natural" yard - not many plants or trees to take care of. I have some cacti that have mostly survived my ministrations or lack there of. I'm actually having a go with a jade plant right now - wish it luck!

So the garden idea was a leap of faith for me in many ways. When I was growing up in the States, my parents faithfully planted gardens and we regularly enjoyed the fruits of their labour (pun intended). In my memory, my contribution included weeding for an hour every Saturday, but my parents deny this vehemently. When we lived in Jamaica, we had fruit trees that grew on the property we lived on - oranges, ackee, rose apples, star fruit, guava - it was amazing.

So despite my failings as a horticulturalist, I wanted to have a garden of my own. Our friends helped us build some raised beds, fill them with beautiful, rich soil and also helped us out with seeds. I planted the seeds and the starts and I can honestly say that I had so little faith that they would actually grow. It seemed impossible that those little seeds could become anything under my care, but I faithfully watered the garden everyday without paying too much attention to what was going on. I was shocked when a couple of weeks later, green things started to poke their heads through the soil. Pretty soon there was a plethora of green with a little purple thrown in as my beets started to grow too. Nothing compared to the thrill of going out and finding lettuce ready to harvest and eat, sweet peas fat and juicy. Soon we'll be feasting on carrots, zucchini, beets. Yum! I'm already thinking about what I'll do differently next year, what I'll plant - I have faith now that I can do it!

There is nothing in the world like it. It's an amazing feeling to plant, to tend and to harvest. I highly recommend it. There are so many analogies for life in there, some obvious, some not so much - I'll let you have a think about those. For now, I wish you bon appetit!

Home Sweet Home

There have been a couple of places that I have either said or thought that I didn’t ever want to go to. When we lived in Jamaica, for some reason, I thought that the United Kingdom, England in particular, sounded so boring and backwards. I can remember thinking that there would never be a reason for me to want to go to England – there were plenty of other places in the world that I would like to go to without wasting time in England. Approximately 4 years later, I stepped off a plane at London’s Heathrow Airport and felt like I had come home. I’ve never shaken the intense “at home” feeling l had living in the UK – mostly in London, but also in the midlands.

Then, while I was living in London, and then doing missions work in various places, I said that I didn’t want to go to Africa – it was so cliché – everyone goes to Africa to do missions work. They don’t need me there – there’s so much happening already and besides, it’s so cliché! Partly, I felt like I had the world at my doorstep in London – I had interaction with Africans everyday. However, the opportunity arose to go to Uganda on a missions trip so who am I to thumb my nose at opportunity? I’ve never been the same. I’ve been twice. You only have to start talking about Uganda or East Africa and I am in tears ready to pack my bags and go. I’ve dipped my feet in the waters of Lake Victoria – they say that if you do that, you will always come back – that’s my prayer.

So I was driving on the Cascade Lakes Highway the other day – heading off for my first overnighter without Jude. I was driving from Bend to Elk Lake. I have to tell you, it is so amazingly beautiful. The mountains, the lakes, the meadows. I was enjoying it and yet there was something niggling at the back of my mind and heart – I wasn’t really happy. I was feeling temporal and unsatisfied, something that I’ve felt a lot for the last few years. So I thought about it and even said a prayer. I realized that there was another place that I had said and thought and wished that I would never go. I never wanted to live in middle-class, suburban America. That’s where I’ve been for the last 6 years.

I won’t go into the whole story, but we moved here on purpose and with forethought. I believe we were supposed to come here. I think Bend is beautiful, a great place to raise kids and Bend has been good to us for the most part. However, I have never felt like it was home. For six years, through buying a house, different jobs, buying cars, having a child, making friends, getting involved, I’ve never let it become our home – I’ve always seen it as a temporary thing, a stopping point before moving on. I think that I’ve really blown it. I think that God sent us here to this place where I’ve had more culture shock and angst than I ever had in a foreign country and I’ve fought it. I’ve wasted time. God sent us somewhere that wasn’t home – more a foreign experience to me than anywhere I’ve lived and because it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted, I’ve been in turn angry, petulant, depressed, apathetic and distant.

It was quite a revelation to me as I travelled down the road. I’m not even sure now what I am to do with this knowledge. I asked God for forgiveness, I know that’s always a good first step. I don’t know what God wants us to do here, what He wants to do in us. I know that my heart still yearns for the city, for the nations and I don’t know if or how those yearnings will come to pass. I do know that I am ready to stop wasting time wishing I were somewhere else. I know that I do love Bend and it is my home.

Photographic Proof

So I caught Jude in the act today, once again, out into the garage, up into his stroller and ready to ride! Yes, we are geting a new door knob with a lock on it this weekend!

He certainly thinks he's Mr. Clever!

Baby Proof

So, it turns out we are going to have to do a bit more baby proofing. Well, Jude proofing. Jude's new thing is doors - he loves opening them - car doors, house doors, etc. He's also into buttons of any kind, if there's a button, he'll push it.

He likes to open the door between the house and the garage and venture out into the garage - of course, nothing there is baby safe. He started a new trick today when I left him unattended in the garage for a minute - he climbed up into his stroller, sat down and pulled the tray down in front of him. He was ready to go for a walk - hint, hint! It's amazing to me how he becomes more "person-like" every day, even when that means pushing MY buttons and his boundaries.

My friend Joann took some amazing photos of Jude the other day so I thought I'd share them here...

Lists...

I love lists. I love making lists, I love compiling lists, I love looking at lists, I love checking things off of lists. I love different kinds of lists: to do, to buy, to watch, to read, to listen to, lists of questions, lists of traits, things I've done, listened to, watched, read, places I've been. I love them!

So I have quite a number of books of lists. Some of them list things for you, others are lists of questions, and others are full of blank lists for you to fill out about yourself and your life - those are probably my favourite. I'm also a bit of an introspective person so I like to think about what's going on inside of me and why I do what I do.

So I thought that I would occasionally take some of those question books and fill in those answers here on my blog for all the world to see.

I'll do a couple today, keeping in mind that the answers can change, be added to or deleted as I grow and change too. I hope that some of these questions and lists get you thinking too.

List all the qualities you love about being human...

• Free will (sometimes). I trust God, I sometimes wish that He could make all my decisions for me, knowing that He loves me completely, wants the best for me and is all-knowing and all-wise. However, I am thankful that God doesn't force Himself on me in any way and when I come to Him, I do so of my own free will.


• Emotion - again, at times, it feels like I might be better off without emotion, but through the highs and the lows, I am thankful that we have the gift of emotion. When I hear a song or read a story that moves me beyond facts, I love it.


• I love the ability that we have to dream and hope and have faith. It's what leads us on to other things, it's what causes us to change, it's what causes us to risk and to do things that we might not naturally do.

List the components of your perfect day... (this one is so much fun and will change often, but this is what a perfect day for me would be right now.)

• Jude will have slept all the way through the night until about 8:30 am with no stirring and I will not have awoken throughout the night wondering why he wasn't stirring.


• Jude comes into bed with Colin and me to play for a while - we laugh and play games.


• Up we get, dressed and off for a late breakfast, brunch it might be called, a proper English breakfast.


• Did I mention that we are in Scotland? In Edinburgh, staying in a house on the Firth of Forth.


• Then we are off for a walk along the beach, flying a kite along the way. It's intermittently sunny and cloudy. It's cool enough to wear jackets, but not freezing cold.


• We head into to town to wander the streets and browse the shops. We find a lovely coffee shop where we can stop and read for a while as Jude plays in the specially designated kids play area. I choose not to have coffee, but have an Irn Bru instead.


• We continue our wanderings through town while Jude naps in his stroller. I find some amazing clothes, on sale, that no one at home will have and that are super funky.


• When Jude wakes up, we climb up Arthur's Seat together, we take lots of photos and have a great time rolling in the grass.


• We head back to our rented house, Jude and Colin play together while I sit in a big over sized chair by the window reading, uninterrupted for an hour.


• Then it's time to feed Jude some dinner and get him ready for bed.


• The babysitter comes after Jude is asleep and Colin and I head off for the pub. We have fish and chips and talk and laugh and make some plans.


• We move to the bar side of the pub and I have a pint of cider while we continue our talk, we play a couple games of cards too.


• Then it's back home, say goodbye to the babysitter, make some Milo and play a game of Settlers which I win, but not by too much.


• Then it's off to bed...

I guess that's enough for now. As I was thinking about my perfect day, I thought of so many other "perfect" days that I could have. I suppose that if I can't have it all in one day, I can make some of it happen over several days. Maybe not it Scotland...

Here's my boys, not on Arthur's Seat, but in Grandma and Grandpa's backyard. They're both making funny sounds with their lips.

Bushes, Trees and Plants

So we were out for a walk this evening - off to Felony Park as I like to call it (that's another story). As we were walking along, I was pointing out the flowers, the dogs, the birds, the trees. Suddenly it hit me, Jude is going to have to learn the difference between trees, bushes, shrubs, hedges, plants - what the heck?!!? Who teaches children these things? Am I expected to try to explain the difference to him? This parenting thing is not for pansies! (Now a pansy is a flower, it's different from a daisy or a rose, I'm not sure how to explain it, but trust me, they are different - I should know, I've had a child!)

Time Keeps on Slipping into the Future...

Sunday was a glorious day in the midst of cloudy, cool weather. We took in the free concert at the amphitheater - it was pretty cool - it was a Sly and the Family Stone cover band. Jude chose that time to wander, dance, flirt, charm and impress on lookers. He also stood for the longest he'd ever stood on his own. Since then, he's been working on the standing thing more and more and just a while ago, he actually stood up on his own from sitting! It's exciting, but also sad as the milestones approach, are conquered and quickly forgotten. He's just growing and changing so much. He's talking a lot too and actually communicating quite well. We are proud...

Here he is off for a walk with Dad.

A few weeks ago, I encountered my old nemesis/best friend again after quite a long break...depression. I've always been a melancholy personality and over the years have struggled to varying degrees with depression. I've never seen a doctor about it or taken medication (does self-medicating count?) There were times in my late teens and early twenties when I would nearly be defeated by it, it was so overwhelming and lasted so long. It has gotten better since those dark days. I wouldn't say that my life has been defined by it, I would have episodes every couple of months, but I think it has always been a part of who I am. I feel things deeply and so when depression comes along, hope is a thing that is hard to imagine. I now struggle with it much less often, but when it does come to visit, it is as strong as ever, if not as long-lasting. I also refer to it as a close friend, because, as a creative person, there have been times when I have harnessed what was happening to create some of my best art, record some of my best writings, and think some of my deepest and most profound thoughts. All that to say, that as a mother, it's a strange experience. Having Jude has changed our lives in all the obvious ways, but for me to transition into a stay at home mom had more impact than I thought it would. During this time a few weeks ago, I took a picture of Jude and I and worked with it in Photoshop to try and express how I was feeling. This wasn't a reflection on Jude or my joy at being his mom, this was about feeling like I was lost, fading, ceasing to have significance as anything but his mom.

I am thankful that I made it through that last bout, emerging into the light with renewed joy and not purpose, but resolve. I made some decisions and I'm actually working on following through with those decisions. More to follow on that in the days ahead. I believe that God can "heal" me of depression. I'm not convinced yet that He wants to or that I want Him to. Whether that's something wrong with me, or He has a purpose yet for it remains to be seen.

Jude and I - I love being a Mom

In other news, we have one helium balloon left from Jude's birthday party which was over a month ago now. It's getting to be a bit spooky because the balloon seems to move at will throughout the house, into the bathrooms, up and down the stairs. We are wondering if it's a spy balloon of some sort. It's kind of creeping me out though!

The creepy balloon - here it is at the bottom of the stairs, when I put Jude down for a nap about a half an hour ago, it was upstairs!

I'm reading a book right now that many people have recommended to me, The Shack. I'm almost half way through it and have yet to form a strong opinion, but I feel a sense of anticipation to complete it. It's enough right now for me that it's based in the Northwest of the US and that the author obviously loves Bruce Cockburn and is spreading that joy. Please, if you have never experienced the music of this amazing Canadian, please check it out. Everyone has a favoured album of their favourite artist, mine is Dart to the Heart.

Prince Caspian

I saw Prince Caspian on Friday night. I loved it. I am a passionate fan of all things Narnian. I was not disappointed. Sure the plot took some unexpected turns, but I was ok with it.

My Dad wrote some cool things about it in his blog...
http://jimstephensblog.blogspot.com/

Here is my comment on his blog...
I am very aware of the story as I read the Chronicles fairly often, so I did know when the movie plot took turns away from the book plot. However, I loved it. I am thankful that we live in a day and age when these stories that have lived for so long in my imagination are being brought to the screen in a way that doesn't damage my imaginings.

My only real complaint is when some of the sections of dialogue that are important to me from the books are left out of the movies. I love the experience too.

Reepicheep is my absolute favourite character in Narnia, besides Aslan. I think they did a wonderful job with him - Eddie Izzard gave him the voice and mannerisms that I always imagined.

My friend, Joann, said that she wishes she was Ramandu's daughter. I wish that she was too, because then I'd get an invite to the wedding and I could meet Reepicheep.

I'm very excited to see this film again and of course, can't wait for the rest of the movies.

Hope

So God is good. I'm still struggling with things, but I went to church tonight and found some hope. The first thing I heard was that I may not ever excel at much, but I can excel at worshipping God. That sounds a bit sad, but to me, right now, when I do indeed don't feel like I am excelling at much, it is a hopeful thing for me and I know it's the beginning of a journey for me.

I also heard an amazing message about God's provision. Ok, so the speaker happened to be my Dad, and he is my favourite speaker ever, but it was definitely something I needed to hear. I'll publish the link to the message when it gets posted on the web along with some other things that I felt God spoke to me.

In other news, Jude is a joy. He's giving lots of hugs and kisses right now which make my heart swell everytime. He's also talking pretty much non-stop and he's already laughing whenever he farts! A true boy.

Temporal

I'm in a season when I am either so full or so empty that I don't know what to do. I am a melancholy personality and so I struggle at times with darker thoughts and feelings. I have a lot to say, but it's a struggle to say it right now. This is a small step. I'm processing things right now. I know that I am blessed, I know that God is good. Life is still hard sometimes. But God is good. Oh, did I mention that life is hard? But God is good.

This Hope

Matthew 13:16-17
“But you have God-blessed eyes—eyes that see! And God-blessed ears—ears that hear! A lot of people, prophets and humble believers among them, would have given anything to see what you are seeing, to hear what you are hearing, but never had the chance.”

What an amazing opportunity we have, this time that we live in, these moments in history. God has purpose for every time in history and the times since Christ are truly amazing. God’s hope and salvation is available to everyone and Jesus is coming back. People throughout the ages have been hoping and longing for the freedom, hope and grace that we have available to us today. It’s easy for me to get complacent, to complain rather than rejoice. It’s easy to lament the horrors, the sadness, the fear that is so rampant these days – to feel hopeless, but we have cause for great hope.

I want to share the hope that I have to those who feel hopeless in the face of painful circumstances and broken dreams.

Father, I thank You that You have given us hope. Forgive me for the times that I take it for granted. Help me when I feel hopeless and give me the strength to share Your grace and not withhold it when I can be a conduit for Your love.

It Only Takes a Spark

Matthew 10:42
“Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirsty, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice. You won't lose out on a thing."

The world is in bad shape in so many ways – we’ve messed things up pretty bad. It can be overwhelming to think about all that is wrong, all that needs to be done to make things better – it can be so overwhelming that it’s easy to do nothing. God understands our nature, our tendency towards the easy road. Jesus makes it very clear that the great task before us of sharing His love with a dying and suffering world is accomplished not only through great acts, but through small acts of care and love to those in need.

So there goes my excuses, “it’s too great a task”, “I’m too small and insignificant to make a difference”. There are things that I can do – there always is, I need only to look around me and I know that I will find needs that I am well able to fulfill.

Father, thank You for the great acts and the small acts of faithfulness that You have shown me in my life. Help me to take the time to notice those around me, to share Your love in big and small ways, to not drift in apathy.

Fear Not

Fear Not

Psalm 34:4-7
4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

There are two kinds of fear that David is talking about here. Fear that will imprison, keep me paralyzed, and fear that will set me free. There is a lot to fear in this world, a long list comes readily to mind. It’s easy to dwell on the fear, on the causes for that fear. Fear will lull me to inactivity, to apathy.

The other fear that David is talking about is fear of the Lord. It is right to fear Him – all-powerful, all-knowing, all-perfect, all-just. Thankfully He is also all-good, all-loving and full of grace.

So what does this mean for me? I am a worrier. Not funny, funny, ha ha, little worry wart, but lie awake at night, feel sick, obsessive worry. I am fearful about many things which sometimes surprises people to hear about me because I’ve done a lot of adventurous things in my life, but in many ways I don’t have a lot of fear for myself. I worry mostly about those that I love. Anyway, I don’t think that being delivered from all my fears is a one-off deal, I think it’s a process. I believe that God delivers people from their fears – fears greater and smaller than mine, and indeed, my own fears. I have a part to play though – I need to seek the Lord, and, I confess, that I often look everywhere else before I look to Him for relief from my fears. I know that when He delivers me, that I am radiant with freedom and grace. I know that fear has its place, I need to put my fear in God. Not the trembling, aching, paralyzing fear, but the freeing, joyful fear of the One who knows all, can do all and Who loves me anyway.

Father, I am often afraid – you know how afraid. Forgive me for trying to find solutions everywhere but in You. I ask that You would deliver me from my fears. I am thankful that You are well able to.

Would You Like a Little Gas with that Lecture?

I love my Dad. My Dad and I are a lot alike. We know each other pretty well. My Dad used to own service stations, he used to be a mechanic - once a mechanic, always a mechanic. Anyway, Dad always taught my sister and I to take care of our cars. He also is a big fan of keeping your car gassed up. This has always been important to me too. However, since I had Jude, it's not as easy, because I like to fill up at a place where you have to go in can't pay at the pump and it's a pain to get Jude in and out of the car.

So not too long ago, I noticed that I was getting low on petrol and needed to fill up soon - my car didn't give me the little warning beep and light though, so I figured it'd be ok. Anyway, I got to thinking about it one evening and knew that I needed to go out with Jude the next day and if, by chance, I were to run out of petrol, I wouldn't want to be on the side of the road with Jude. So Colin looked after Jude while I headed out to fill up the car. I made it around the corner and then the car went dead. I couldn't call Colin because I had the car with the car seat in it and he had Jude. I really didn't want to call my Dad because I knew he'd be disappointed in me, but I didn't have a choice. So, I called my Mom and Dad. They were very gracious and went right out and filled up a gas can and came to me.

So here I am, Dad's putting the gas in the tank and we're chatting. He's not giving me a hard time or anything, but I start making my excuses. Of course, he's got the answers to all of my excuses. I start to laugh and tell him that I didn't want to call him because he'd be disappointed in me. I say, "So do you want some gas with your lecture?" It wasn't a big deal really, but it just made me so thankful for my Dad - for his graciousness, for the fact the that he's conscientious, but most of all because even though I got a bit of a lecture, he brought me some gas when I hadn't been smart and I was on the side of the road. Reminds me of my other Father.

Thoughts...

I was so happy today when I went through the list of blogs that I check everyday and nearly every one of them had been updated - it was so cool! A reminder to me that I need to update more often. I have the thoughts, it's just taking the time that's the issue.

Yesterday, Colin and a friend of his did a gig at a retirement village here in town. Jude and I went along for moral support and it was a lot of fun. It was a very nice place - Colin and I were thinking of moving in, but it's for 55 and older. The gig went really well, Colin on a very nice grand piano and his friend played sax. They did mostly jazz ballads and oldies - they did great. Jude was great too. He was quiet for a while and then, of course, he wanted to get up and go. So he and I walked around the dining hall, mostly with Jude walking behind his stroller. It struck me as very ironic as I watched men and women come and go using walkers, some with very similar gaits as Jude, halting and unsure. Here is this beautiful little boy learning to walk, to use his legs. Here are these men and women losing their ability to walk, to get around on their own. What a short amount of time we have of full health and ability. Not that it's bad, it's life. We move quickly through these stages of life.

Jude was a huge hit. As we were leaving everyone was very appreciative of the music, however, one woman actually said that while the music was good, Jude was great!

Anyway, that's enough for today. Coming soon, a story about my Dad and me.

Am I Weird?

So, I tidy Jude's play pen. It's not just that I put toys away, I actually put things in alphabetical and numerical order. I don't think I obssess about it though - it just gets to me when it's been chaotic for a while - I think that Jude won't be able to find his toys and won't have fun if it's all a mess. Of course, he seeks to destroy all neat stacks as soon as I make them. But that's the fun of it I suppose. Is it co-dependent that I like to tidy and that Jude is a little chaos-maker?

Before

After

All the Little Penguins Lined Up in Numerical Order

In other news, we've decided to officially mark March 17, 2008, St Patrick's Day, as the day Jude spoke his first word. Here's the scenario: Colin had Jude on teh changing table and Jude was babbling away, mostly saying "bah, bah, bah" and then I walked up beside him, he looked right at me and said "mama". It was amazing. Sigh...

Places That I've Lived

I was lying in bed last night, thinking, not sleeping and I turned to my past. I thought about all the places I've lived. It's amazing the affect each has had on my life. From the place where I was born, that I thought I never wanted to leave, to the places that I love so much, that I've had to leave for various reasons.

It's interesting to me how places help to form people - how people from particular areas are united by similar traits and attitudes - all because of where they are from. I feel so priviledged to have been able to experience many different cultures in the US and abroad.

So here's the list...

Richland, Washington, USA
Medford, Oregon, USA
Springfield, Missouri, USA
Linstead, Jamaica, West Indes
Kingston, Jamaica, West Indes
Tucker, Georgia, USA
Leytonston, London, England, UK
Leyton, London, England, UK
Tyler, Texas, USA
M/V Anastasis - Holland, Wales, Canary Islands
The Canary Islands, Spain
Federal Way, Washington, USA
West Richland, Washington, USA
Nuneaton, England, UK
Isle of Dogs, London, England, UK
Bethnal Green, London, England, UK
Leytonstone, London, England, UK
Howick, Auckland, New Zealand
Tacoma, Washington, USA
Mount Eden, Auckland, New Zealand
Tacoma, Washington, USA
Bend, Oregon, USA

It Hurts So Good

Sometimes when I think about Jude, my heart aches so much with love for him. It's amazing how this has happened. He doesn't really do anything to earn this devotion or depth of emotion from me. I have to pretty much do everything for him, the good, the bad and the ugly (don't forget smelly, tedious and frustrating). And yet I find myself so in love with him, wanting the best for him, saddened by any injury or illness in him. There isn't much I can imagine that I wouldn't do to protect him, to help him. Is this really how God feels about us? Does His heart ache with love for me when He looks at me, even when He sees my messes, when He smells my stink, when He hears my cries? I believe that He does, though it's hard to imagine at times. My desire for Jude is that he lives life fully, that he loves God completely and that when asked, he will live for others. I imagine that is God's desire for each of us.

Jude Playing the Highchair Like Animal Plays the Drums

Oh yes, there is no limit to his talents!

As Little Children

Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.

Mark 10:13-16

This is the first time in my Bible reading that I have read this passage since I've had a child. It takes on a different meaning to me now. I am so thankful that Jesus doesn't turn children away in favour of "more important" adults and busyness and ministry. I pray that I am one who will bring my son to Jesus, that He might touch him and lay His hands on him and bless him. And I pray that Jude will always come to Jesus with the heart and faith of a child whether he is 2 or 27 or 65. I am excited to introduce to Jude to the only One who loves him more than Colin and I and to see the plans that God has for Jude unfold in his life.

More Teeth

Just an update...Jude had his first tooth (bottom left) for more than a month. In the last three days, he's gotten 5 more so he has a total of 6 now. Crazy! I think he's starting to feel better though - a bit more appetite and he's talking lots again.

Teeth

So Jude has his one tooth on the bottom that is fully in and shining for all to see. However, it seems that all three of his next teeth to come are coming at once. They keep popping out and then sinking back in. He doesn't seem to be in a lot of pain which is good, but his appetite seems down.

Speaking of appetites...Jude went in for a check up last week and we found that his weight went from being in the 50th percentile, down to the 25th percentile. The doctor, who seems to know me fairly well, said not to freak out, not to force feed him. It's basically because he moves around so much and also because he's starting to feed himself more that he uses more calories and is getting fewer of them. That's all well and good, but it hasn't stopped me from freaking out. Of course, Jude has had a cold and is teething so that hasn't helped his appetite. I've been wracking my brain trying to find ways to get more calories into the boy. He's not totally up for some of the new things I've been trying - mostly because they're still too chunky I think. I did some research online (where else) to find out how many calories a baby is supposed to have every day, and apparently, you take their height in inches and multiply it by 40. So for Jude, that is 1200 calories a day!!!! How is that even possible? The average medium jar of baby food has about 70 calories in it. Milk only has about 20 calories an ounce. He'd have to eat sun up to sun down! I just don't know. It's hard for a Mom, I know I probably am over reacting, but I am responsible for the health and well-being of this amazing child and it feels like he's lacking or suffering. It really sucks. Being a Parent is tough, though I imagine being a child might be tougher.

Other than that, Jude is wonderful. He's a speed crawler and climbing fool. He's figuring out how to go down the stairs now, sliding on his tummy. It's a bit freaky because he'll be climbing up the stairs with a parent in tow and all of the sudden he morphs into a ski shape and slides down a couple stairs.

He's also been on his first ride down a slide and on the swings. He seemed to enjoy it all, especially the slide, he looked like he was about to hurl on the swing.

I'm also working from home now. I'm back with Westside overseeing the website. It's a pretty cool fit and it's great that I can work from home.