Home Sweet Home

There have been a couple of places that I have either said or thought that I didn’t ever want to go to. When we lived in Jamaica, for some reason, I thought that the United Kingdom, England in particular, sounded so boring and backwards. I can remember thinking that there would never be a reason for me to want to go to England – there were plenty of other places in the world that I would like to go to without wasting time in England. Approximately 4 years later, I stepped off a plane at London’s Heathrow Airport and felt like I had come home. I’ve never shaken the intense “at home” feeling l had living in the UK – mostly in London, but also in the midlands.

Then, while I was living in London, and then doing missions work in various places, I said that I didn’t want to go to Africa – it was so cliché – everyone goes to Africa to do missions work. They don’t need me there – there’s so much happening already and besides, it’s so cliché! Partly, I felt like I had the world at my doorstep in London – I had interaction with Africans everyday. However, the opportunity arose to go to Uganda on a missions trip so who am I to thumb my nose at opportunity? I’ve never been the same. I’ve been twice. You only have to start talking about Uganda or East Africa and I am in tears ready to pack my bags and go. I’ve dipped my feet in the waters of Lake Victoria – they say that if you do that, you will always come back – that’s my prayer.

So I was driving on the Cascade Lakes Highway the other day – heading off for my first overnighter without Jude. I was driving from Bend to Elk Lake. I have to tell you, it is so amazingly beautiful. The mountains, the lakes, the meadows. I was enjoying it and yet there was something niggling at the back of my mind and heart – I wasn’t really happy. I was feeling temporal and unsatisfied, something that I’ve felt a lot for the last few years. So I thought about it and even said a prayer. I realized that there was another place that I had said and thought and wished that I would never go. I never wanted to live in middle-class, suburban America. That’s where I’ve been for the last 6 years.

I won’t go into the whole story, but we moved here on purpose and with forethought. I believe we were supposed to come here. I think Bend is beautiful, a great place to raise kids and Bend has been good to us for the most part. However, I have never felt like it was home. For six years, through buying a house, different jobs, buying cars, having a child, making friends, getting involved, I’ve never let it become our home – I’ve always seen it as a temporary thing, a stopping point before moving on. I think that I’ve really blown it. I think that God sent us here to this place where I’ve had more culture shock and angst than I ever had in a foreign country and I’ve fought it. I’ve wasted time. God sent us somewhere that wasn’t home – more a foreign experience to me than anywhere I’ve lived and because it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted, I’ve been in turn angry, petulant, depressed, apathetic and distant.

It was quite a revelation to me as I travelled down the road. I’m not even sure now what I am to do with this knowledge. I asked God for forgiveness, I know that’s always a good first step. I don’t know what God wants us to do here, what He wants to do in us. I know that my heart still yearns for the city, for the nations and I don’t know if or how those yearnings will come to pass. I do know that I am ready to stop wasting time wishing I were somewhere else. I know that I do love Bend and it is my home.