There have been a couple of places that I have either said or thought that I didn’t ever want to go to. When we lived in Jamaica, for some reason, I thought that the United Kingdom, England in particular, sounded so boring and backwards. I can remember thinking that there would never be a reason for me to want to go to England – there were plenty of other places in the world that I would like to go to without wasting time in England. Approximately 4 years later, I stepped off a plane at London’s Heathrow Airport and felt like I had come home. I’ve never shaken the intense “at home” feeling l had living in the UK – mostly in London, but also in the midlands.
Then, while I was living in London, and then doing missions work in various places, I said that I didn’t want to go to Africa – it was so cliché – everyone goes to Africa to do missions work. They don’t need me there – there’s so much happening already and besides, it’s so cliché! Partly, I felt like I had the world at my doorstep in London – I had interaction with Africans everyday. However, the opportunity arose to go to Uganda on a missions trip so who am I to thumb my nose at opportunity? I’ve never been the same. I’ve been twice. You only have to start talking about Uganda or East Africa and I am in tears ready to pack my bags and go. I’ve dipped my feet in the waters of Lake Victoria – they say that if you do that, you will always come back – that’s my prayer.
So I was driving on the Cascade Lakes Highway the other day – heading off for my first overnighter without Jude. I was driving from Bend to Elk Lake. I have to tell you, it is so amazingly beautiful. The mountains, the lakes, the meadows. I was enjoying it and yet there was something niggling at the back of my mind and heart – I wasn’t really happy. I was feeling temporal and unsatisfied, something that I’ve felt a lot for the last few years. So I thought about it and even said a prayer. I realized that there was another place that I had said and thought and wished that I would never go. I never wanted to live in middle-class, suburban America. That’s where I’ve been for the last 6 years.
I won’t go into the whole story, but we moved here on purpose and with forethought. I believe we were supposed to come here. I think Bend is beautiful, a great place to raise kids and Bend has been good to us for the most part. However, I have never felt like it was home. For six years, through buying a house, different jobs, buying cars, having a child, making friends, getting involved, I’ve never let it become our home – I’ve always seen it as a temporary thing, a stopping point before moving on. I think that I’ve really blown it. I think that God sent us here to this place where I’ve had more culture shock and angst than I ever had in a foreign country and I’ve fought it. I’ve wasted time. God sent us somewhere that wasn’t home – more a foreign experience to me than anywhere I’ve lived and because it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted, I’ve been in turn angry, petulant, depressed, apathetic and distant.
It was quite a revelation to me as I travelled down the road. I’m not even sure now what I am to do with this knowledge. I asked God for forgiveness, I know that’s always a good first step. I don’t know what God wants us to do here, what He wants to do in us. I know that my heart still yearns for the city, for the nations and I don’t know if or how those yearnings will come to pass. I do know that I am ready to stop wasting time wishing I were somewhere else. I know that I do love Bend and it is my home.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
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3 comments:
amazing. i love that you are so aware of yourself and how you feel and are willing to be honest about it. i tend to use my "don't worry. be happy." defense, excuse, escape. love you much.
yes. funny I should read this today just hours after I read this, "For we are made for eternity as certainly as we are made for time, and as responsible moral beings we must deal with both...All within us cries for life and permanence, and everything around us reminds us of mortality and change." (from The Knowledge of the Holy by AW Tozer) I know this isn't exactly what we blogged about, but it is a very similar feeling I've been having for, well, most of my life.
T.S. Eliot once wrote: "The purpose of all our travels is to arrive where we started, and to know the place for the first time."
Two things I know for sure:
1) God can heal depression (He healed me of mine).
2) Creativity doesn't stop where depression ends. The end of depression is a door that allows you to go further in and further up.
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